Goof: Welcome our new president, Mr. Duck!

Disclaimer: This story is a part of our April Fool’s edition, The Goofordian. This story was created by Guilfordian Staff and is not based in fact.

It’s almost been a year since Jane Fernandes stepped down as president of Guilford College. Since then, the College has been trying to find a president to fill the role that Fernandes once held. There have been two interim presidents since August. The first was Carol Moore, who was the interim president from August to February. The second is newly-appointed interim president Jim Hood. Hood has been serving as the College as interim president since Feb. 23, 2021. He has stated before that he has no plans of taking on the mantle of president. He only wants to continue being the interim president until the end of the school year. 

I know, I know. Many of you might feel disheartened after learning that. This raises the question: who is our next interim president going to be? Are they going to respect the College’s quaker values, or will they try dismantling it? Well, not to fret, for the College has been saved. We will not be having another interim president after Hood leaves office. You might be wondering why that’s a good thing. Don’t we need an interim president? The answer to that question is, no. We no longer have any need for an interim president because our search is over. Our search to find the College’s new long-term president is over.

We at the Guilfordian are excited to announce that our new president is a special someone. Someone that many students have seen before. However, you might have only seen him if you paid a visit to the lake. Even then, seeing him might not be guaranteed. Depending on how the forecast looks on certain days, he might not be there. I know that the suspense is killing all of you. So I’ll just go out and tell who your new president is. It is the duck that lives by Guilford’s lake!

Well, to be more specific, his name is Thomas Stone. Weird, right? I didn’t expect him to have a name either. All of this time, I’ve just been calling him Duck or Mr. Duck. Well, there you have it, that’s our new president. He’s also asked you guys to refrain from eating any duck while he is president. After all, it is a bit disrespectful. For all you know, you might be eating his family. 

This was supposed to remain a secret until we officially announced it. However, we did take the liberty of interviewing a few students about this upcoming development. Luckily, they kept their promise and didn’t tell anyone about the secret. At least, we hope they didn’t. 

Catherine Perez, a sophomore and soccer player, had this to say about the College’s new president.

“A duck? You have got to be kidding me! Wait, what? You mean that this isn’t a joke? I know some weird stuff has been happening at Guilford, but this is too much,” Perez stated. “Uh, I guess that’s cool and all? I just don’t really know how I feel about this. How is a duck supposed to be our president? Does he even have any plans for college? Sorry, this is making me angry. It just feels like he’s playing with my future. If he’s the president next year, I think I’m better off transferring schools.”

The next person we interviewed was Scott Young, a junior and a football player.

“That’s new,” Young stated. “What do I think about this? Personally, I think it’s pretty cool. At the same time, I’m pretty sure you guys are joking. Oh, you guys aren’t joking. Then I stand by my first statement. I think it’s pretty cool that we’ve got a duck for a president. This will definitely make headlines or something on the news. I don’t think any college has ever had an animal as president before.” 

Last up is Luca Angelo, a senior and a psychology major.

“I’m pretty sure the others you interviewed didn’t have a positive reaction to this. It’s 50/50? Interesting. I myself am a bit mixed on this. I think I would feel a bit more opinionated if I wasn’t graduating this year. However, if I was an underclassman, I would feel a little bit skeptical about the whole thing,” Angelo stated. “Since I’m not an underclassman, I don’t really care that much. I just hope that this new president doesn’t end up destroying the College and its value. If he does what he’s supposed to do, then I have no qualms about his appointment.” 

Overall, people’s opinions on the matter of the new president are mixed. Some think that it’s cool that we have a duck as our president. Others weren’t afraid to admit that they disliked the idea and would transfer due to the change in leadership. There were the rare few who didn’t have much of an opinion.