Goof: Guilford football to move to D1

Disclaimer: This story is a part of our April Fool’s edition, The Goofordian. This story was created by Guilfordian Staff and is not based in fact.

With entertainment options still severely limited because of COVID-19, many assumed that the 2021 March Madness games would have record-breaking numbers of views across all platforms. Most shows have had drastic rises in viewership this past year, with high-culture connoisseurs binging “Riverdale” and conservative families sitting down to watch the polygamous eccentric criminal Joe Exotic on “Tiger King.” Put anything on TV these days, and chances are people will be watching it. The target audience for shows has significantly broadened past the typical demographic and ideological confines to anyone bored in this seemingly endless pandemic, which makes up a very large portion of the U.S. population. 

This led channels hosting the March Madness games to assume that non-sports fans would watch the NCAA tournament this season. 

“We really thought that all the nerds who would usually skip the games would be glued to the screen enough to watch sports for once without breaking out in hives,” said CEO of “Sports!” Richard Rich. 

“Sports!”, the primary streaming platform for the NCAA tournament, anticipated that the games would gain significant traction. However, this season saw the lowest amount of views in March Madness history, with single digit numbers. 

The explanation? The allure of Guilford College football. Millions of sports fanatics have abandoned the March Madness games to watch our football team destroy the field. The clear sports-focused values of our school, and the strong Quaker spirit that permeates the campus on game days has drawn in quite the audience to our football games. Even those not interested in sports have been hooked by the compelling drama of our “underdog” team. Links to the live streams of games have repeatedly crashed as millions scramble at the chance to see even the blurriest shots of the Quakers in action.

On home game days, students living in English Hall only need to glance out of their windows to see hoards of people attempting to rush the field. Public Safety on campus has resorted to mowing down people with their golf carts just to keep campus COVID- safe, and to ensure that the only people tackling our players are those on the opposing teams. 

“It’s worth the possibility of being crushed by a cart just to see the Quakers play,” said one man who drove 37 hours from California with no rest breaks just for a chance to watch the Guilford football team play in person. “There’s something so predictable about all other sports games now that I’ve seen a Quaker game. High points on the board? Boring. I don’t need to see another basketball game where players move so fast, before you know it 100 points are up. It feels too easy, you know? But the energy on the field from the Guilford football team after they broke their six point record this season? It’s refreshing, it’s dynamic, it’s something worth watching.” 

Millions of others agree with this sentiment. Most sports channels have transitioned to solely airing Guilford games. The sports hall of fame has been renovated to include a wing dedicated to Guilford football. A petition asking for Guilford College to be honorarily bumped to D1 has received over 15 million signatures. This petition, along with protests across the country from beer-bellied football die-hards and indie academics alike calling for change, has led to plans to change Guilford to D1 next season.

While this division change comes as a shock to some, the Guilford football coach is not surprised. 

“I think it’s a natural transition,” he said. “Our team has so many players that would have gone D1 anyways if they hadn’t had such career-destroying injuries in high school, like our star quarterback who got a life-altering paper cut, or our best kicker who never fully recovered from stubbing his toe his freshman year.” 

Whether surprised or not by this change, it’s fair to say that myself and all the other proud members of Quaker nation are excited to see what sports look like on campus next spring.