Goof: Students take wellness week too far

Disclaimer: This story is a part of our April Fool’s edition, The Goofordian. This story was created by Guilfordian Staff and is not based in fact.

After a draining school year filled with COVID-19 restrictions and no breaks, Wellness Week was much anticipated. Filled with activities from haircuts in the Orangerie to rock painting on the porch of English Hall, the whole campus was excited. This week was meant to be the calm in the storm that was this year.

Two days in and suspicion had already risen when a student was seen sprinting up campus with the bags of avocados that were meant for Wednesday’s facials. There were efforts to chase them down from two teachers, but they only got so far before running out of breath. 

“I was prepared to find the avocado thief. You know with the school strapped for money, those aren’t cheap!” shared Taad Smith, a sophomore here at Guilford. 

Smith worked Wellness Week last year, so he is well-versed in the behind-the-scenes business of how to run the week. He told me next that he wasn’t joking around and was really on a mission to find the thief. On his way, Smith encountered some other oddities. 

“After getting a tip that something strange was happening at the lake, I rushed down there. Last night was Lakefest, which explained the mess that was left by a mass of people,” Smith said.

 According to Smith, there were still some recline-style pool floats drifting around in the water.

“There was also nail polish and confetti everywhere,” Smith said. “The duck also looked as if he had undergone a makeover because he had bright red lipstick gingerly applied to his beak. It also looked like someone tried to give it a pedicure.”

Luckily, Smith was able to confirm that students had been out on the lake. He shared details from his encounter with Cara Arena, a Guilford Guide.

“I saw her on my way back up the hill and asked if she had seen anything out of the ordinary,” Smith said. “She replied: ‘Yes! I did! It was the strangest thing; there were kids in swimsuits basking in the sun on recline floats. Others were on a raft playing a tuba rendition of ABBA’s Dancing Queen, and the rest were just painting their nails on the bench. I didn’t know if it was one of the week’s activities or if they had just taken liberties, but it looked relaxing!’ I bet it was too,” Smith said.

Smith and I both agreed that it was strange, but we also both agreed that we would have loved to take the extra break and be there. Goodness knows we needed the break. 

Later in my discussion with Smith, he shared the best part: how he finally caught the avocado thief. He said he was on his way to English class when he heard noises too loud for a library, coming from the library.

“I peered in the window because I was curious, and I saw the best thing ever,” Smith said. “I saw the avocado thief. The perpetrator himself was just sitting there surrounded by empty avocado shells and a massive vat of guacamole!”

Smith was elated to share how he finally caught the thief. After I asked what happened next, he gave the greatest answer.

“I did the only logical thing to do, of course. I skipped English and snuck around the library. ‘Jacques!’ I pointed and yelled. He looked at me all boggle-eyed before finally saying ‘Eh, want some?’” 

“And… of course I wanted guac!” Smith said, laughing. 

Reasonable enough. Smith had truly accomplished what he set out to do and in the end, got a break! However, the thief and Smith both received a citation and are banned from participating in Wellness Week next year, as they took it too far.