Goof: Guilford’s greatest remodeling project yet

Disclaimer: This story is a part of our April Fool’s edition, The Goofordian. This story was created by Guilfordian Staff and is not based in fact.

Interim President Jim Hood has decided that all of the campus’s dorms will be remodeled to better reflect the pandemic. This decision came as a shock to many students across the campus, but the choice was made with the students in mind.

Guilford College has made several advancements in recent years leading up to 2020, and Hood wished to add to that collection of Guilford’s improvements. Two ideas caught Hood’s attention: semester schedule overhauls and dorm remodeling. Hood ultimately chose the dorm remodeling option.

In this remodeling project, dorm rooms as a whole will be removed and replaced with human hamster balls. With these, students will be able to travel on campus while remaining isolated from other students. Each student’s hamster ball will contain sanitizer and masks. Through these efforts, students will be able to return to in person classes.

This revolutionary idea received backlash from some of the students, with one saying, “How can we sleep like we do in a dorm if we are in a hamster ball?” 

Hood laughed for a while until he responded that Guilford students did not usually sleep anyway.

It was difficult to argue with Hood’s response, but the Guilford student remained skeptical. Another student asked if they would ever be allowed to leave their hamster ball, but Hood was confused as to why they would ever need to leave the hamster ball.

The faculty were concerned for the students’ performance in class, as it would be difficult to hear through the hamster balls. Hood recognized the issue and stated that the students could still participate in Zoom calls within the hamster balls.

The last problem with this bold idea was that of air conditioning within the hamster balls in preparation for the upcoming summer weather.  Hood responded that Guilford students are already pretty cool, and that they did not need air conditioning.

At this point, it became clear that any questions raised by the faculty and students were futile, and that the idea of dorms being replaced by human hamster balls was flawless. There were still lingering questions about what would happen to the current dorm room buildings. Hood decided that the current dorm rooms will be abandoned in the spirit of the pandemic.

With sanitizer, masks and Zoom calls taking place in an isolated bubble, Hood felt that he had captured the essence of the pandemic and applied that essence effectively to Guilford dorms. At the end of the day, everyone agreed that this method of transportation and housing was the best option for Guilford’s campus life. Hood was excited that his idea was accepted by the students, but of course, Hood never had any doubts that students wanted to live in human hamster balls.