GOOFORDIAN: Biohazard hOsTs NaKeD WoRld TouRnaMent


Disclaimer: This story is a part of our April Fool’s edition, The Goofordian. This story was created by Guilfordian staff and is not based in fact.

Over the years, Guilford College has welcomed noteworthy speakers, talented musicians and other esteemed guests. Now, the board of trustees and Guilford’s Biohazard Frisbee team have invited a new group of visitors that have the potential to attract prospective students and donors alike: international Frisbee players.

Guilford will host an international Frisbee tournament on the weekend of April 19–21, but the unique style of play practiced by Biohazard will set the event apart from the usual Frisbee competitions.

Twelve international teams will compete in the first ever nude Frisbee tournament, taking place on various grassy areas across campus.

Teams from Canada, France, Norway, Russia, Ghana, Democratic Republic of the Congo, Thailand, Japan, Sweden, Chile and Argentina will participate in the bare-it-all event.

“We’re very excited for the international aspect of the tournament,” said first-year Frisbee player Marek Wojtala. When asked about the nudity aspect of the tournament Wojtala’s only comment was, “What about it?

“We’re hoping for good weather. The human body has certain inconvenient reactions to the cold. Women’s bodies can tense up, and shrinkage in men can be very distracting for players on both teams.”

Other players express a concern about language barriers.

“We may not all be perfectly proficient in English,” Captain of the Moscow Ultimate Svetlana Bogomolov Frisbee Team said in a translated email interview. “But, we are all proficient in body language.”

Bogomolov, who has been playing Frisbee since she was only three years old, also said, “We are not coming to Guilford to chit-chat anyway. We are coming to dominate on the Frisbee field.”

Studies show that more than 65 percent of all communication is nonverbal.

“There is a lot you can communicate without words,” said Biohazard player Bennett Christian. “I’d show you, but I’m celibate.”

Some are concerned that masses of nude Frisbee players may distract drivers to a dangerous extent. The administration echoes these concerns, but it seems that the opportunity for international engagement outweighs practical concerns.

“Yes, there are practical concerns related to a nude Frisbee tournament,” said Vice President of Student Affairs and Dean of Students Aaron Fetrow. “But this tournament will also give Guilford international recognition. I don’t think people realize how big this is!”

President of Guilford College and Political Science Professor Kent Chabotar echoes Fetrow’s sentiments.

“I am not sure that I have ever been prouder of Guilford College,” said Chabotar. “This is a beautiful testament to international unity and the self-confidence we strive to instill in our students. It will go down in history as a magic moment for all of the dudes and dudettes here at Guilford.”

Chabotar is not fixated on the practical impediments such as traffic accidents due to nudity distraction.

“We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it,” said Chabotar.

Biohazard president Samir Hazbourn is excited to whip out a grand finale to the tournament.

“If we make it to finals, I have a big surprise for the other teams that involves whipped cream, Guilford geese and skittles,” Hazbourn said, laughing at the idea.

“Let’s just say, you can call me conniving, but don’t call me uncreative!”

“I’m pretty sure jumping and running without a sports bra will be very uncomfortable,” a Swedish Frisbee player who chose to remain anonymous told The Guilfordian. “It’s OK though; I’m excited to show off my new dragon tattoo.”

As Guilford prepares for the upcoming tournament, teams around the world are sharpening their skills in preparation for the fierce competition.

“Actually, I’ve heard some pretty intense things about Biohazard,” said Marc Wallerton of the Canadian Frisbee team. “We’ve been practicing a lot, but I just don’t know if we’ll be an even match for their chiseled abs.”

Ultimate Frisbee is about to be taken to the next level.

DISCLAIMER: This is part of the April Fool’s edition.

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