Disclaimer: This story is a part of out April Fool’s edition, The Goofordian. This story was created by Guilfordian Staff and is not based in fact.

The Division of Student Affairs’ recent announcement that the Grill and Quakeria will be closing on April 1 has given way to a storm of student complaints, mostly regarding the closure’s short notice. While the issue of fulfilling late night munchies will now be handled by the Caf’s extended hours, I feel the Division of Student Affairs and Guilford’s administration has failed to recognize a very important and dangerous aspect of this move: werewolves.

The Caf is not equipped to handle these lycan creatures that stalk the night. While the Grill was surrounded by a network of ancient sigils that protected against dark magic, the Caf has no such arcane defenses.

To say that I am fearing for my life is not an understatement. Picture it; it’s 10 p.m. and you’re feeling the pangs of hunger. You decide to stroll over to the Caf, longing to indulge in a burger. And what do you see once you arrive? Packs of werewolves, chowing down on chicken tenders. One of them has dragged bloody carrion on your favorite table; it will never feel clean again. You can’t even tell them to leave because if you do, they will rip out your jugular. I’m appalled at the lack of regard Guilford has for its students’ safety.

This is a slippery slope. If werewolves feel safe entering our cafeteria under the cover of darkness, before long, they will feel like it’s completely fine to eat during the daylight hours as well. If Guilford doesn’t take the initiative and place armed werewolf hunters at the Caf’s entrance, we’ll be waiting in line behind them at the vegan station. Is that how we want to live? Do we want a bunch of carnivores to eat all of our edamame burgers and carrot dogs?

Make no mistake, werewolves aren’t the only creatures of the night I fear we will be seeing in our cafeteria. Ghouls, goblins and gremlins will surely be making appearances as well, eating our fruit and yogurt from the legendary fruit and yogurt bar. At the Grill and Quakeria, employees are required to wear crucifixes under their uniforms and are skilled in all types of combat.

I’ll never forget when, as I first-year, I witnessed a Grill employee lunge across the counter in order to smite a vampire with a legendarily-forged silver blade of yore. I don’t think I’ve even seen a Caf employee wield a pair of nunchucks. If I’m at the omelet station when a werewolf suddenly pounces behind me, I fully expect the person making my vegetable and ham omelet to spring across the counter and wield the frying pan as a weapon. If the Caf is going to be opening its doors those who dwell in the shadows, they need to be prepared to handle the potential maulings and vampiric attacks.

In order to test the Caf’s current defenses against the occult, I dressed myself in a hyper-realistic wolf fursuit and went to lunch. Much to my shock, they let me in as soon as I displayed my Quaker Card. All the woman at the front said was, “Those furries are at it again.” If this is the type of pathetic resistance we can expect from the Caf in the fight against werewolves, you may want to reconsider where you get your late night snack.