Disclaimer: This story is a part of out April Fool’s edition, The Goofordian. This story was created by Guilfordian Staff and is not based in fact.

“Sports are done,” declares the One True Sports Authority and senior at Guilford, Mae Wood.

“The late Stephen Hawking had a theory that there are multiple universes where every possible situation will and has played out,” said Wood on her sports radio show, “Mae-stro League Listening.” “Specifically, he was talking about sports. And we’ve experienced everything we could.”

Up until now, we thought there were an infinite amount of potential outcomes to games, but we have been proven wrong. Every possible pingpong game, lacrosse match and football game has been played. The quadruple-tie rugby game ending with Bulgaria catching the snitch? Done. Zero-gravity volleyball? Old news. A baseball game where all the bats are replaced with literal flying bats and the balls are just insects flying for their lives? Who hasn’t seen that before?

Every possible athletic game that could possibly be played has been played, confirmed the Associated Prez. There are no more surprises in sports, nothing left to see here.

On Tuesday, March 27, athletes at their regular morning practice were all suddenly struck with the realization that they’d experienced all of this before. In another life, they’d been practicing at 7 a.m., and they were done. In unison, the entire baseball team left the field, put in their matching headphones, and listened to “All Star” by Smash Mouth in their earbuds.

Students in English Hall mourned the loss of their regular Shrek-sound alarm on Saturday mornings, blared over the large stadium speakers.

The realization that, in fact, every possible athletic game that could be played has been played was one felt by former sports fans around the world. Collectively, everyone breathed a sigh of release.

“I’m not sure what we’ll cover now,” said ESPN in a statement. “Maybe some friendly chess games? Or does that count as a sport now? We really don’t know anymore.”

The conclusion of sports came as a surprise to many, but not to Wood.

“I’ve seen this coming,” Wood said, stroking the spine of an ancient book called, “Can You Vape and be a Good Soccer Player?” She brushed off the dust from the cover. “I’ve known since I was a first-year that Guilford would end sports once and for all. At last, our world would be free of this curse.”

Since sports ended, the internet has seen a huge decline in searches for chili recipes, and WikiHow’s article, “How to Use Your Internalized Aggression for Woodworking” has become the most popular piece on the site. Recreational adult volleyball leagues have begun simply meeting at bars, and thrift stores are seeing record amounts of donations of jerseys.

Before drifting back into the trees of Guilford, Wood had a final piece of wisdom to impart on students confused yet relieved about our defeat of sports.

“If you look up into the sky,” Wood said. “You may see the stars running bases or scoring touchdowns. We may be done with sports here on earth, but they are not yet finished up there. The games are slower, but we have time. We have so much time.”

Wood then disappeared. The College is worried. Please contact us if you know her whereabouts or why we’ve never had any record of her in our system, despite her being present in all of our collective memories. We are afraid.