Goof: Top three albums for pretentious pricks

Disclaimer: This story is a part of out April Fool’s edition, The Goofordian. This story was created by Guilfordian Staff and is not based in fact.

Oh, so you’re interested in getting into alternative and indie music? That’s great. No, it’s not like we didn’t already have enough plaid-clad men with deliberately tousled hair who neg me at coffee shops and deride me for liking The Smiths. More hipster idiots is exactly what we need in this world. Here are the top three albums to listen to if you want to be just like John, the art history student who ghosted me.

“Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix” by Phoenix

If you want to gloat that you listen to not only indie music, but European indie music, then French band Phoenix is your perfect fit. What, you’re too good to listen to American bands like the rest of us plebeians?

Phoenix’s 2009 album, “Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix,” is a piece of pop-rock mastery, filled with catchy beats and tight guitar riffs that perfectly balance out conflicted, confused and anxious lyrics. Conflicted, confused and anxious perfectly describe how I felt as I waited at a  café for David, the lanky guitarist who stood me up on our second date because he “just wasn’t feeling it” that night. Naturally, I never saw him again.

“Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix” captures Phoenix at their best, cool and casually chic, much like David in his worn denim jacket and stylish Chelsea boots. When we first met, he draped that jacket over my shoulders and told me this album reminded him of me. While I was flattered at the time, listening to “Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix” nowadays fills me with a palpable sense of melancholy, and the feeling that David says that to every girl.

“22, A Million” by Bon Iver

Sometimes listening to indie music just isn’t enough. Sometimes, you need to up the ante and listen to some indie music that just sounds flat-out bad. When that’s the case, look no further than Bon Iver’s “22, A Million” because this stuff is somehow both painful and boring to listen to. Play it for your date in your car, as Ezra did with me. When you notice your date cringe at the use of auto-tune in the song “715 – CR∑∑KS” (yeah, it’s really stylized like that), you can scoff and insist that they “just don’t get it.” Don’t allow your date to get a word in edgewise. Continue with, “I think the human voice is just like another instrument, and what Bon Iver did here is really creative and fresh.” Before they can even comment that they’ve heard better use of auto-tune in a T-Pain song, chastise them for not appreciating Bon Iver’s soft melodies, just like Ezra did to me.

You hear that, Ezra? I’ll never forgive you, you miserable jerk!

“AM” by Arctic Monkeys

While perhaps rather played out in 2018, every song on Arctic Monkeys’ 2013 album “AM”  is either a smooth, bassy ode to detached romance or a punky exclamation of frontman Alex Turner’s frustration with pining. It has some undeniably catchy tunes.

Turner’s sex-infused lyricism reminds me of Liam, the actor I dated two years ago. Despite the fact that I thought we had a great connection, Liam was always emotionally distant with me, which only made me want him more. I melted each time I held his smoldering gaze. We were listening to “I Wanna Be Yours” together when I discovered he was not only cheating on me with my best friend, but also my brother. In fact, he’s still dating my brother to this day. Whenever I sit across from Liam at Thanksgiving, Alex Turner’s crooning in “Why’d You Only Call Me When You’re High?” briefly haunts my memories. Then I pass him the mashed potatoes and go cry in my room.