Goof: Duck should be our student body president


Theo Baker/Guilfordian

Disclaimer: This story is a part of out April Fool’s edition, The Goofordian. This story was created by Guilfordian Staff and is not based in fact.

You know him. You may love him. You may fear him. And now, you will vote for him.

When I first heard that that one weird duck (you know, the one with the red on his beak) was running as Community Senate President, I, too, was shocked. My first thought was, “He’s not a student.” Then, I thought about the question of practicality. My mind wandered to, “But he can’t talk,” and, “He’s too short to reach the podium.”

Finally, I realized the question I should have been asking myself all along was, “What can he do for the Guilford community?”

Although an initial skeptic, I quickly came around to the idea of having that one weird duck, or as he prefers to be called, Duck, as Guilford’s Community Senate President. And after speaking to Duck himself while walking through Founders Hall, where he was tabling and enthusiastically handing out flyers and buttons that read, “Vote Duck,” to passersby, I felt even more sure of my decision.

The reasons to “Vote Duck” are straightforward and simple.

Firstly, Duck has more experience on campus than any student, and likely even any professor or administrator. He has been here for countless years, patrolling the campus with his equally terrifying friend, learning everything there is to learn about Guilford. Duck’s experience at Guilford means that he knows about the issues that truly affect students and will do his best to address them.

Not only does Duck have the experience to be Community Senate President, but he also has the respect of the community. No Guilford student has ever walked past him without either cowering in fear or grinning in admiration. Therefore, he has the power to command the attention and respect of the student body. With his reputation and attitude, Duck will be able to enact change with the flap of his wing.

Finally, what would a respected and well-informed candidate be without a passion for the issues? Duck is an activist, or as he likes to call it, a “quacktivist,” and he’s not afraid to show it. From the very beginning of his campaign, Duck has demonstrated his commitment to alleviating the issues that plague Guilford students, from reinstating the Greenleaf in Hege Library to allowing students to walk on the makeshift path between Founders and Hege. Duck has also advocated for more animal-specific issues, such as allowing Guilford wildlife to take classes at the College and changing the entirety of the Grill’s menu to bread scraps.

While these policies will alienate some voters, they are also sure to bring wildlife voters flocking to the polls.

In my opinion, Duck’s advocacy for animal inclusion will strengthen Guilford’s sense of community on campus. Since community is one of Guilford’s core values, voting our feathered friend into office will allow the College to expand its influence and underline its commitment to these values.

With Duck as president, the Quakers (or as we will soon be known, the Quackers) will enter a new era of diversity and inclusion on campus.

It’s simple, really. If you believe that community, diversity and activism should be at the forefront of Guilford’s values, then you must “Vote Duck” at the Community Senate elections on April 10.