Goof: Guilford College tries too hard to be edgy

Disclaimer: This story is a part of out April Fool’s edition, The Goofordian. This story was created by Guilfordian Staff and is not based in fact.

Have you ever yearned to attend a college that understands the tortured wretchedness within your heart? Do you wish Guilford’s campus was shrouded by eternal night? Administration has at last listened to student pleas.

Guilford faculty and senior team members have spent the last semester developing the Guilford Edge, which is set to be implemented in Fall 2018. The controversial program is focused on improving both the student experience and the College’s retention rates by creating a more “edgy,” and therefore much cooler and hipper, image for Guilford.

“I’m sick of seeing a bunch of preps all over campus,” said President Jane Fernandes. “You know why students are transferring and dropping out? Patagonia. North Face. Pop music. The man. It’s so lame. We’re all just pawns of conformity.”

General education requirements will be undergoing a complete overhaul. Among the new classes being offered, there are “History of Emo Music,” “Goth Fashion Appreciation” and “Lyrical Analysis of Radiohead.” First-years will be required to to take a “How to Write a Vague, Moody Social Media Post” workshop.

“I’m really excited about the new courses,” said junior Harry Nash. “Sure, having to take seven new general education requirements is going to delay my graduation date a bit, but I can’t wait to take the ‘How to Draw Anime DeviantArt Characters’ class.”

The Guilford Edge will incorporate changes to the schedule. Classes will begin at “twilight’s melancholy, fading light, heralding the approach of darkness” and end at “the dusky lilac hues of a bittersweet breaking dawn.”

“Having my biology class at 2 a.m. in the woods is a bit scary, especially since the only light I’ll have to guide my way is a floating candelabra that will spookily flicker constantly,” said Nash. “I just have to remember that the darkness perfectly echoes the lightless abyss that has enveloped my soul. That’s hard though, because I’m afraid of the dark.”

Furthermore, Guilford will be implementing a revolutionary dress code that has drawn mixed reactions from the student body. Failure to adhere to the dress code will result in immediate expulsion.

“I don’t know how I feel about this new dress code,” said first-year Inez Luna. “I like leather jackets as much as the next guy, but wearing them everyday seems a bit excessive, and I think plaid pants with bondage gear is really more of a ‘special occasion’ look.”

In addition to these changes, the theme houses will be appropriately rebranded as the scene house, the goth house and the punk house.

“Kids aren’t coming to this school to learn about sustainability,” said Fernandes. “They want to learn more practical skills, like how to throw an absolute rager in the green room of a disgusting dive bar.”

All dormitories are currently being prepared for renovations, with the exception of Milner, which will be torn down and replaced with a cemetery that is covered by an omnipresent blanket of fog.

“I wanted to live in Mary Hobbs next year, but apparently it’s going to be renovated into a ‘German vampire bar,’” said Luna. “I don’t even know what that means, and when I asked Residential Life, they called me a poser.”

Clubs and athletics will also be undergoing a series of changes. While sports teams will not be abolished as previously discussed, all athletes will have to hide behind the bleachers to chain-smoke and complain about their lives before practice.

“I have asthma, so smoking before lacrosse practice probably won’t be great for my lungs,” Nash said. “But we all have to make some sacrifices for the aesthetic.”

Fernandes believes the Guilford Edge will both improve retention rates and draw new students to Guilford.

“Students will love the Guilford Edge so much they won’t even think about leaving,” Fernandes said. “Also, the heavy existential weight of knowing you’re simply a cog in the man’s machine will fill them with so much ennui and apathy that they’ll be literally physically incapable of leaving.”

Administration will be holding a community meeting next month to discuss and vote on a new motto for the College. Among the proposed mottos are, “You laugh at me because I’m different, I laugh at you because you’re all the same,” and, “I’ll stop wearing black when they invent a darker color.”