Humanities students all do drugs, y’all

“I’ll be there in five minutes,” said sophomore Billie “Country” Nelson on the phone.

I met Nelson in my macroeconomics class when we were placed in the same group for a project. I happened to overhear that he was involved in the narcotics business, so around the time of midterms, I asked him if he could get me something to take the edge off. Since I was a good team member, Nelson gave me a sale on one of his most popular strains, Blue Dream.

“Country” Nelson was the first in my weeklong study and review of marijuana drug dealers around the campus of Guilford College.

Nelson arrived at the bathroom of the Frank Family Science Center about four and a half hours after our initial phone call.

“I was in the middle of a ‘World of Warcraft’ raid,” said Nelson. “Sorry, man.”

For $25, Nelson provided me with an eighth, or about 3.5 grams.

Very clean, very smooth, moderately potent and left me relaxed for a good four hours. For the price, it was a steal. 4/5.

My next encounter was the day before the start of spring break. During my visit to the North Apartments, senior Arlo “Kleetis” Guthrie offered me a taste test of a new strain he recently purchased called Greek Fire.

“S—’s gonna burn so hard,” Guthrie said. “When I first tried it, I was stoned for days.”

And burn it did. I was also coughing and hacking for days. Not smooth, low potency and the exact opposite of relaxing. I’m not mentioning the price because you couldn’t pay me to smoke this cat-urine scented garbage. 1/5.

Feeling a bit bored during my vacation, I visited a local ice cream parlor with friends. Eventually, our conversation turned to our experiences with reefer.

Based on a recommendation from this discussion, I ended up at the dorm of John “Dead” Garcia, a junior living in the South Apartments.

“Have you ever tried Sour Diesel?” asked Garcia. “It’s a bit pricy at $20 per gram, but it gets you really fired up.”

I needed to be awake for the remainder of the day, so I took him up on his offer. Much like the name suggests, Sour Diesel has a pungent smell imitating gasoline. Its strength was apparent from the first hit, and it did not have a burn like Greek Fire.

While indeed expensive, it whisked away my fatigue and seasonal depression, leaving me energized as ever. 4.5/5.

Feeling anxious over all the homework I procrastinated doing over break, I turned to a former classmate from my introductory art course last semester, reasoning that students in the humanities are much more likely to be involved with drugs.

“Do you want to smoke one together?” asked the appropriately-named sophomore Mary Jane. “I’ve been smoking Girl Scout Cookies recently. It’s pretty popular. Let’s give it a shot.”

We split the bill and it ended up costing $20 for one gram. Not bad.

I’ve never taken LSD, but I would imagine it would be like this. The euphoria of relaxation twisted with the loss of the sense of time, a sweet taste and an extremely smooth feeling. Perfection. 5/5.

While any reasonable person would just stick with Jackson’s treat, I was still researching. Could anything top Girl Scout Cookies?

As I soon discovered, no.

My final endeavor in the land of Guilford’s pot culture was the riskiest but also the most fun. While studying in Duke Memorial Hall, I stumbled upon my professor, who shall remain anonymous. We chatted for a few minutes and, being Guilford and all, I asked them if they knew anything about where to get that devil’s lettuce.

“Psh — of course,” the professor answered. “I’m not here for the money.”

We went down to the Woods where I smoked one for the last time, at least for now.

I don’t know the strain we fired up but it was solid in every category, albeit not extraordinary. 3.5/5.

In the end, it’s usually hard to go wrong with any strain or dealer. Try different things and see what you like. Even your professors might be open to the idea. Just don’t play with (Greek) fire.