Jell-O is the new orange, green, purple, red…


Grace VanFleet

The newest addition to the cafeteria dessert menu is Jell-O. Students should not worry about moving gelatinous substances.

Guilford Dining is dedicated to sustainable practices and managing its waste in the most reasonable manner possible. Right now, campus dining services are leading the charge sparking the widespread boycott against waste producing fresh fruits and vegetables by replacing all existing food items with red, yellow, green, purple and red gelatin, specifically Jell-O.

There are several reported reasons for this action. The official reason, however, is the environmental advantages that only having Jell-O in Founders Dining Hall presents.

“I think this is the best way to keep to our promise of sustainability,” said Marie Married Jell-O God, CEO of the sponsoring company of Guilford Dining. “The peels of fresh fruits and vegetables were causing so much clutter and waste in our planet, so the only reasonable alternative to composting was to replace all items with Jell-O.”

Environmental experts across the nation have commended this unique grassroots effort on campus.

“I think it’s absolutely ridiculous we didn’t think of this before,” said Scott Pruit, a self-proclaimed expert on the global warming hoax and current Environmental Protection Agency head. “As confirmed EPA head, I want to implement Guilford’s initiative across schools all over the nation. The changes will be fantastic and will help save the Earth, even though it’s perfectly fine.”

To others, the decision to use Jell-O as replacement holds significant meaning.

“Gelatin, in its flexible nature, represents the progressive state of our society,” said Bubblton Export, junior and Jell-O enthusiast at Guilford. “The replaced Jell-O just sits in a lump and ignores every person that cannot consume it, which is the kind of open-mindedness I’m happy to see across campus.”

Similarly, the Guilford community’s response to the move has been overwhelming positive.

“This is the best week of my life,” said sophomore Larry Flimble. “As a vegetarian, I have hated fruits and vegetables as long as I can remember, and I am incredibly happy to continue my tradition of protesting them in any way I can.”

For many others, the protest was nothing surprising considering current events.

“The food and menu are always fantastic in The Grill,” said first-year Jordan Shoe. “The speedy delivery of the food is even better now. It’s to die for, and now, we have so much Jell-O. I love lots of Jell-O, so I love this.”

Guilford Dining employees agreed that the food switch has improved the quality of services offered.

“We used to have a lot of people complain their food was gross or delivered too slow,” said a Grill employee that wished to remain anonymous. “Now, we only have big open buckets of Jell-O where you choose your color and run. Best part is we never have to wash the scoops because we only serve one thing, so sanitation is no longer a concern.”

Other students believe that the nutritional value the JELL-O holds is incomparable to other options.

“All the vitamins in Jell-O have improved my diet so much,” said junior wannabe sum wrestler Jellomyello Jenkins. “When I was little, they said the more colors on your plate the better your meal is for you, and now I have rainbow Jell-O. And I feel much more motivated to eat and less worried about deciding what to get because I only get one choice.”

Despite a wide range of benefits, the largest advantage appears to be the individual stewardship solely consuming Jell-O promotes amongst students.

“It’s nice to help the environment in such a direct way,” said senior Hello Jell-O while holding his Styrofoam box of green Jell-O. “Think about how little waste this is giving off in comparison to those rotting fresh vegetables.”