Hunter-gatherer course turns heads and stomachs


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This image from the Hunter-Gathering 250 textbook illustrates fire-making, one of the most essential skills students will learn in the class.

Disclaimer: This story is a part of our April Fool’s edition, The Goofordian. This story was created by Guilfordian staff and is not based in fact.

In advance of the 2023-24 school year, Guilford has announced that a new course will be added to the curriculum. A three-week offering in the spring 2024 semester, Hunter-Gathering 250 will immerse students in the way life was lived thousands of years ago.

The course involves taking students to the Blue Ridge Mountains and leaving them there without any supplies. Professor Cave Mann, a new hire with at least one degree, will be heading up the immersive experience.

“I’m really looking forward to teaching this course,” Mann said. “It will be a great way to give students an experience they’ll never forget.”

When asked about the content of the course, Mann said that it will include hands-on activities such as fire making, shelter building, and foraging.

Unfortunately for any interested students, it already has been decided that the class will not be properly counted in Banner course evaluations. This decision was made by rogue college administrators who could not be reached or reasoned with. If you have any information about how they might be invoked or appeased, feel free to reach out to The Guilfordian.

While the course isn’t slated to begin until spring 2024, many students are already interested — some in the course, some in the fact that the course exists.

Kay Kerr, a sophomore in Guilford’s oat program, said: “I’m really looking forward to taking Cave’s class. It reminds me of when I was a kid and my parents would take me camping. They would stay in the tent, and I would sleep under some leaves by one of the trees.” 

“This one time, I had to fight off a bobcat,” Kerr added, showing off an impressively gnarly forearm scar. “I didn’t have my knife on me, and being a staunch Quaker, I couldn’t fight it off. So, I just let it chew for a bit, and eventually it left.”

Some students, however, have made noise about the course being unfit for Guilford. O.B. Vious, a non-graduating pro-granulating senior, said: “Wait, so, you’re just going into the woods for three weeks? With nothing but the clothes on your back? Really? Who approved this? It’s not even a class!

“It seems legally irresponsible for Guilford to offer this course. It seems like the worst possible way to learn about actual hunter-gatherers,” Vious added.

In response to criticism, Mann said, “I know the course isn’t for everyone. It’s not even really for more than like, five to 10 people, tops. The class size is bigger than that, but there’s no way any of these kids are going outside for more than five minutes.” 

When asked why he was teaching the course despite low interest, Mann replied, “I don’t know a lot of things. I don’t know how to fly a plane or shoot a rocket, and I especially don’t know how to put shoes on. But what I do know is wilderness survival and day-to-day life for a subsistence lifestyle. So that’s what I’m teaching.”

Professor Cave Mann was last seen in the woods behind the gym, and could not be reached for further questions.