Goofordian: Cons of replacing all trees with mist fountains

Bruce Wayne

Disclaimer: This story is a part of our April Fool’s edition, The Goofordian. This story was created by Guilfordian staff and is not based in fact.

Guilford College is a place known for its devotion to academics, its friendly atmosphere, and soon its lavish water features.
Students outraged by the recent fountain plans will have more complaints in the coming weeks as Guilford lays out its new plan to remove every tree on campus and replace them with fountains. Not only will this renovation destroy the natural aesthetic of the school, but it illustrates a deeper, more sinister element underlying many of the recent additions to the campus.
“The lumber we sell from the old trees will be funding our new fountains,” said President and Professor of Political Science Kent Chabotar. “More importantly, these additions will go a long way toward making the campus both more visually appealing as well as giving us a much more modern look.”
This decision is the most recent in a long line of aqua-centric “improvements” Guilford has been pursuing. This not only includes the Founders fountain, but also The Quakeria fish tank and the countless projects surrounding the lake.
All of these damp renovations beg a very important question. Why is Guilford so obsessed with water features?
“They’re serving their hidden masters: their fish führers,” said hobbyist fisherman and alumnus Tim Thompson ‘83. “It’s clear who the college wants to impress, and it’s not alumni and it’s not students. They’re bowing to pressure from the aquatic oligarchs that run the place.”
Thompson has been fishing in this area for years and has suspected that the local chum was up to something.
“You can call me a blowhole, just don’t call me a kook,” said Thompson.
As crazy as it may sound, the idea of a secret ruling council of marine monarchs might not be all that far-fetched. It would certainly be appropriate given Guilford’s reliance on values like stewardship or community.
“I love the treatment we’ve received since moving in,” said Fincent Glabmore, a local resident of the fish tank. “Administration has provided us with a great place to live and acquiesced to all of our demands.”
Other fish declined to comment, though some expressed concern over recent fish sacrifices in The Quakeria. It is rumored that these sacrifices aim to appease the great Cthulhu.
With or without student outrage, these fountains are going up. Soon Guilford’s campus will be a wet and wild fishy theme park, ready to support groupers, marlins and even the lowly human students.
“This is a question I’m just getting tired of answering,” said Chabotar. “I am not now, nor have I ever been, associated with any schools of fish trying to conquer humanity by any means necessary.”
As glorious as a future of water bursting from every possible place may sound, this could not be a more dangerous decision. Clever clownfish may start their empire here, but it will not take long for their reach to grow.
“I, for one, won’t stand for it,” said Thompson. “Those fish took everything from me. Took my wife and kids, took my job and now they’re taking my alma mater!”
The aquatic overlords are coming and I do not welcome them.

DISCLAIMER: This is part of the April Fool’s edition.

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