Goofordian: Pines back to American values, support oil & landfills


Disclaimer: This story is a part of our April Fool’s edition, The Goofordian. This story was created by Guilfordian staff and is not based in fact.

Tired of leaving campus to fill up your fine automobile with gas? Well, have no fear. The Pines is here.

That’s right. The notoriously environmentally friendly sustainable living theme house has had a change of heart. After reaching an agreement with British Petroleum, the Pines will now be a theme house/on-campus gas station.

But the change does not stop there, Pines resident and sophomore Lily Collins believes that the gas station is just the tip of the iceberg.

“After our meeting with BP, we feel that there are endless opportunities for the future of The Pines,” said Collins.

So, what else should we expect to see from The Pines? Pines resident Marek Wojtala said that The Pines will start utilizing on-campus resources.

“We hope, within the next couple of months, we can begin off shore drilling in the Guilford College Pond and do some fracking in the meadows, maybe even some clear-cutting of the Guilford woods,” said Wojtala.

When asked why The Pines decided on such drastic change, Collins said that the idea was simple.

“We came together in a house meeting a few weeks back and decided that all this environmentally friendly and sustainable living stuff was gibberish and just a passing fad,” said Collins. “We want to make bank.”

How could this impact Guilford? Could it end in tragic oil spill that wipes out the Guilford geese population? Could all the clear-cutting clear out the beloved squirrel population? Or will this make life easier for all students? Sophomore Adam Ferguson believes it could benefit the campus in a lot of ways.

“I don’t have a car so I don’t care about gas, but if they sell Marlboro Reds and Miller High Life 40s, I’m down,” said Ferguson.

Junior Trent Evans, however, believes this gas station could ruin the campus.

“I live in Cobb House, so I will be right next to this pile of shit,” said Evans. “I don’t want some gas station bringing down my property value and increasing crime rates.”

The gas station will be built by the end of the semester and will be fully operational by summer. Just in time for students to enjoy their favorite beverage, Pabst Blue Ribbon, which will be available on tap. The name of the station will be “Inner Light Gas and Beverages”.