The student news site of Guilford College

The Guilfordian

The student news site of Guilford College

The Guilfordian

The student news site of Guilford College

The Guilfordian

GOOFORDIAN: Frank Massey: investigating the paranormal

Disclaimer: This story is a part of our April Fool’s edition, The Goofordian. This story was created by Guilfordian staff and is not based in fact.

“I was sworn to secrecy,” bellowed Frank Massey, IFP gifts discernment coordinator, during a briefing with students and faculty. “The FBI sent me here to investigate paranormal activity. You can call me a crazy a-hole. Just don’t call me a liar.”

It has recently been revealed that our own Frank Massey was hired by the FBI to investigate the ghosts, spirits, angels and demons on our beloved campus.

From the tales of trickery brought about by the little girl in Dana to the spirits who roam the narrow brick pathways of the quad, all have been proven to be true.

“I had no idea,” said Max Carter, director of the Friends Center and campus ministry coordinator. “I mean, I knew Frank was gifted, but I never knew that he was hired by the government to look into our school. It’s shocking news, but honestly I’m more interested in what he’s found while he has been here.”

Most students and faculty are alarmed by this breaking news but are also extremely curious in Massey’s research and what that research has taught him.

“There are spirits that roam this campus and the woods surrounding it,” said Massey. “The FBI sent me here because of the reports that have been sent from this campus in the past. All of these reports are true: the soldier and little girl in Dana, the battle of good versus evil regarding the angels and demons of Dana and New Garden, and the soldiers that roam the woods. If you open your eyes and let your mind be free, you will feel them and possibly see them as well.”

One question that has recently been asked by the community of Guilford is “What would happen if Frank was not here?”

“If Agent Massey was not sent to Guilford College, the paranormal would be rampant,” said Agent K, chief FBI paranormal investigator. “Your campus would be overrun by ghosts and spirits. They would take over your dorms and your classes and would eventually run your admissions office. Do not think twice about that. Massey is an interpreter for the spirit world, and without him, all would be lost.”

Since we have learned this vital information, the faculty and staff have decided that Frank Massey will never leave Guilford College.

“Of course there are spirits on this campus,” said Aaron Fetrow, vice president for student affairs and dean of students. “I have experienced the paranormal myself, and if Frank is the barrier between the spirit world and Guilford College, he is here to stay.”

The Guilford College community mostly all had the same reaction as Fetrow.

“Frank is a great guy,” stated sophomore Chandler Zirkle. “If he protects our college and is a ‘warrior for Guilford’ — a Quaker warrior of course — then he should just continue his work.”

Massey has since continued his work as an investigator of the paranormal at Guilford and in the Greensboro area, and he continues to find more and more evidence. His evidence is leading in one direction and one direction only; we are not alone in this world, and we have so much to learn.

DISCLAIMER: This is part of the April Fool’s edition.

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