Goofordian: New Ukrainian President 2 Chainz shines like trophy

Back to Article
Back to Article

Goofordian: New Ukrainian President 2 Chainz shines like trophy

Images Courtesy of Commons.wikimedia.org and Vulture.com; Graphic By Allison DeBusk/Guilfordian

Images Courtesy of Commons.wikimedia.org and Vulture.com; Graphic By Allison DeBusk/Guilfordian

Images Courtesy of Commons.wikimedia.org and Vulture.com; Graphic By Allison DeBusk/Guilfordian

Disclaimer: This story is a part of our April Fool’s edition, The Goofordian. This story was created by Guilfordian staff and is not based in fact.

Political and social unrest. Civil strife. On the brink of all-out war.

Enter 2 Chainz?

Following Ukrainian President Viktor Yanukovych’s removal from power, former rapper turned social activist 2 Chainz (formally known as Tauheed Epps) has been appointed interim president of Ukraine.

It is not your everyday situation in Ukraine, but that is no challenge for 2 Chainz, who boldly proclaimed, “I’m different, yeah, I’m different,” in an interview with The Guilfordian.

“It’s a different day, different escapade,” he said.

Although the rise of 2 Chainz represents a move away from traditional methods of presidential selection, 2 Chainz has made clear his intent to unify the nation.

“You know, man, these people, man … a lot of ‘em, a lot of ‘em going nowhere fast man,” he said. “I call dat ‘treadmillin’ — you feel me? They at a standstill man.”

Among his top priorities are bringing a new culture and identity to Ukraine, modernizing its fashion industry and putting a renewed focus on athletics — particularly basketball.

Initially reluctant, the Ukrainian people are beginning to welcome the change.

“It is a breath of fresh air,” said Ukrainian college student Anton Boyko in an interview with The Guilfordian. “As he was riding around my side of town, I saw a man confident and with the ability to lead this nation. He inspires us.”

In a press release from the White House, both President Barack Obama and Secretary of State John Kerry congratulated President 2 Chainz and expressed optimism in his ability to lead the nation and halt Russia’s advance into Crimea.

“Can you feel the momentum shifting?” Obama asked in an interview with The Guilfordian. “2 Chainz has been riding around and he’s getting it — he understands the sentiments of the Ukrainian people.”

When invited to address concerns regarding 2 Chainz’s prior political experience, Obama declined to comment. Others, however, have raised questions and doubt regarding the interim president’s ability to perform in this position.

“2 Chainz might bring more attention and excitement to Ukraine, but he simply does not have the ability, intellect or experience to rule Ukraine,” said Earl Conyers, a former friend of 2 Chainz. “He is an entertainer, not a bureaucrat.”

Larry Brooks, an analyst at the Brookings Institution, expressed similar sentiments.

“Two golden chains and a pair of baggy jeans and shoes can’t run a country,” said Brooks to The Guilfordian. “If they wanted a celebrity in charge, at least they could have asked somebody who has some experience with leadership.”

Evidence suggests that there is more than a grain of truth to these scathing attacks on 2 Chainz. Moody’s Rating Agency and Standard & Poor’s have both downgraded Ukraine upon hearing the news of 2 Chainz’s appointment.

Christine Lagarde, managing director of the International Monetary Fund, was hesitant to comment on Ukraine’s future condition.

“2 Chainz may count money all night, but I don’t know about counting everything in Ukraine’s treasury,” said Lagarde to The Guilfordian.

Such criticisms have weighed heavily against 2 Chainz, who began his 175-year term as president on Monday, March 3. He has already received more death threats than his predecessor, Yanukovych, did during the duration of his term.

2 Chainz’s only response: “I do this for the people — if I die, bury me inside that Louis store.”

Print Friendly, PDF & Email