Your weekly horoscope: What is your perfect Halloween costume?


Look at yourself. A little less than two weeks until Halloween, and you don’t have a costume idea, do you? Before you cop out and buy a Harley Quinn costume from Hot Topic, consider letting the stars guide your path to Spirit Halloween. Here is your ideal costume, astrologically.

Aries: World-renowned New Zealand-born actor Russell Crowe

As an Aries, you are ever the bold and passionate one. What better way to encapsulate your theatrical tendencies than to arrive to the costume party as an actor? Specifically, how about an actor that’s a fellow Aries? Even more specifically, how about Russell Crowe? Known for his intense characters and ruggedly handsome looks, he is the ideal costume for the brave-yet-moody Aries. If you find yourself feeling weary at always having to be your group’s comic-relief, you can take a cue from his character Maximus from “Gladiator,” stand up on a table and exclaim, “Are you not entertained?!”


Taurus: Your high school classmate who sells essential oils over Facebook

Taurus, you’re known for your uncompromising nature. Once you set your sights on something, you’ll work at it until you harvest the fruits of your labor. At the same time, you love to luxuriate in relaxing surroundings. Marrying those traits, why don’t you dress up as a high school peer who is now trapped in a pyramid scheme hawking essential oils? Wear your best pair of printed leggings, a bohemian headband and be prepared to pester fellow party-goers with, “Hey girl! It’s been too long! Would you like to hear about an awesome opportunity to be your own boss?”


Gemini: Both Nicolas Cage and John Travolta from “Face/Off”

Harness the iconography of your sign by dressing up as both Nicolas Cage and John Travolta’s characters from the deeply uncomfortable 1997 action film, “Face/Off.” In this masterpiece of a movie, the two leading men steal each other’s faces in order to impersonate one another. Encapsulate your indecisive tendencies by switching between these homicidal and heroic characters.


Cancer: That little boy who can see ghosts in “The Sixth Sense”

Cancers are known for being among the most intuitive of all the signs. And what is more intuitive, and fittingly spooky, than seeing ghosts? If you want to look appropriately young, you can do that thing where you kneel and wear shoes on your knees. Surprise your friends by whispering, “I see dead people” in their ear when they expect it least!


Leo: Literally the sun


As a Leo, you are bright and cheerful, but get a little petulant when you aren’t the center of attention. You need a costume that is eye-catching. How about becoming the center of everyone’s universe by literally becoming the sun? Sure, you’ll immediately vaporize not only everyone at the party but the entire planet, but hey, nobody can say that you didn’t make a statement.


Virgo: A virgin (yourself)

Admittedly, Virgo, you can be overly critical and cynical. You’ll try to scout for the perfect costume, get frustrated, and ultimately decide, “To hell with this! I’m just going to wear my normal clothes.” Much to your surprise, people at the party will go up to you and exclaim, “Sweet virgin costume! It’s the best I’ve ever seen!” It’s probably for the best if you don’t examine this too closely.


Libra: Judge Judy

Libras are inherently fair-minded. What better costume for you than the ultimate arbiter of fairness, celebrity judge Judy Sheindlin? This costume gives you the right to insert yourself in the middle of arguments and humiliate people. Indulge your tendency to hold a grudge by beating those who have wronged you with your gavel. Take that, Matt! That’s what you get for not listening to the playlist I sent you, you jerk!


Scorpio: Al Capone

Scorpio is the most misunderstood sign in the zodiac. As such, your costume should be inspired by a fellow iconoclast who is misrepresented in history: Al Capone. Once dubbed “Public Enemy No. 1,” this Italian-American mafioso was merely scorned by the public because he was the son of immigrants. Okay, he might have killed several people. Sure, he had syphilis. But no one is perfect! This spicy southern Italian captures your passion. Fedora time, boys!


Sagittarius: A naughty little pony

Sagittarians have a natural desire to roam, but are haunted by their impatience and occasional social blunders. What is more prone to prancing to wherever its little heart desires than a precious, adorable pony? But you’re not any pony; you’re a naughty little pony. People might think you’re just wearing a horse costume, but if they can’t grasp the subtlety of what you’re trying to convey, that’s on them. Neigh.


Capricorn: The physical embodiment of fear

You have a history of always expecting the worst, don’t you, Capricorn? Is it because you want to temper your expectations? Or are you afraid of dangling the promise of a brighter future right in front of your nose, and you grasp for it, desperately, only for it to be yanked away once more, the gods laughing at your naivete. You claw and claw for a single shred of hope, but it is always for naught… anyway, your costume is the physical embodiment of fear.


Aquarius: Nothing

Don’t lie to yourself. You’re not going to a costume party. Aquarians will be spending Halloween eating candy alone in their room, watching reruns of “America’s Next Top Model.”


Pisces:  Saint Stephen, the Protomartyr

One of a Pisces’ most dangerous traits is a tendency of giving so much of themselves to the people around them that they practically become martyrs for those they love. Embrace that aspect of yourself by dressing up as Saint Stephen, the first martyr of Christianity! It’s like the man himself once said: “Look! I see heaven open and the Son of Man standing on the right hand of God!” He was then stoned to death by onlookers. But hey! He begged for God’s forgiveness of his killers. Just like you would, Pisces.


Editor’s note: This story originally was published in Volume 106, Issue 3 of The Guilfordian on Oct. 18, 2019.