Goofordian: Pros of replacing all trees with mist fountains

Disclaimer: This story is a part of our April Fool’s edition, The Goofordian. This story was created by Guilfordian staff and is not based in fact.

As you stroll through campus, you hear the playful bubbling of fountains. A warm beam of sunshine makes a rainbow aura through the cool mist in the air. Students in bathing suits laugh and dance through soothing mists of water.
This is the vision of the Guilford College campus that administrators hope to move toward: a magnificently fountain-filled campus.
“The student body’s response to the proposed fountain outside Founders Hall was overwhelmingly positive,” said President and Professor of Political Science Kent Chabotar. “We thought, why not take it a step further and replace the trees on campus with fountains?”
Guilford students are often forced to “hang out” aimlessly, lounging in the grass or against trees. The Guilford administration’s plan to establish a series of fountains on campus is a solid remedy to this problem.
“Students need more places to hang out on campus, so we’re giving them fountains,” said Dean of Students Aaron Fetrow. “When people see fountains, they think, ‘this is where I want to hang out.’”
The budget-conscious student need not worry as the fountains will be built at no extra cost to Guilford students. With Guilford’s plan to sell the lumber from the trees replaced by fountains, the water features will practically pay for themselves.
Another benefit of the aquatic scheme is the positive impact it will have on cell phone service and wireless internet, the unreliability of which is annoyingly familiar to most Guilford students, faculty and staff.
“Finally getting rid of all those pesky trees will greatly increase the efficiency of wireless and cell signals on campus,” said IT&S worker Anne Sparks.
Like the previously proposed water feature, the fountains will be designed in the natural-looking style of a Harvard fountain, preventing them from appearing out of place on Guilford’s natural campus. In order to blend the fountains into their surroundings, the proposed design includes jets and streams of water spurting from the eliminated trees’ stumps.
The natural look of the fountains will be in keeping with Guilford’s “green” appearance while adding a dignified sense of elegance and stature that trees simply cannot achieve.
Some members of the Guilford College community have concerns about the fountains being too ostentatious, making Guilford seem pretentious and pompous. Kent Chabotar sees this as a non-issue.
“You can call us assholes, just don’t call us fountainless,” said Chabotar. “The fact of the matter is schools these days are judged by their fountains. Guilford can no longer afford to go fountainless if we want to keep up with reputable academic institutions.”
The plan is a bold one, certainly, and any plan so bold is bound to attract some strong negative reactions. However, if students, faculty and staff approach the proposal with open minds they will see that virtually no bad can come of it — only aesthetic appeal and a plethora of fun hang-out spots for Guilford students.

Disclaimer: This is part of the April Fool’s edition.

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