GOOFORDIAN: Judicial process so pleasant, students try to get written up

Disclaimer: This story is a part of our April Fool’s edition, The Goofordian. This story was created by Guilfordian staff and is not based in fact.

Instead of artfully dodging Public Safety and formulating fantastic excuses, Guilford College students are starting to try to get written up. The issue begs the question of who is to blame: the students, or an overly pleasant judicial process?

In 2005, rap group Geto Boys introduced the “G-Code” to the general population.

One of the most important stipulations of the G-Code is: “We don’t trust in the judicial system, we shoot guns / We rely on the streets, we do battle in the hood.”

In complete and utter ignorance of the G-Code, students are willingly subjecting themselves to judicial charges, even going so far as to cooperate with the sanctioning process.

Senior Ang Styles uses the judicial process as a method of stress relief.

“Between exams and work-study, I was feeling really stressed,” said Styles. “A friend suggested getting written up. The judicial process was great; they listened to all my problems and told me how well I was doing regardless. In the end, we all hugged it out.”

“At first we thought it was just our imagination,” said Director of Student Judicial Affairs Sandy Bowles. “We thought the students were being careless and were too confident that they wouldn’t get caught violating rules and regulations. When the violations started becoming more and more absurd, we realized something out of the ordinary was going on here.”

Some students have had to try more than once before succeeding in being charged.

“The first time, I put a pile of oregano on my desk, next to a scale and some plastic bags,” said sophomore Mary Jane Beasley. “I called Public Safety with an anonymous tip, but when they searched my room, they didn’t fall for the old bait-and-switch.”

Beasley realized she would have to step up her game if she wanted to beat out the competition for judicial charges.

“On my second try, I wasn’t going to let anything go wrong,” she said. “I put fresh batteries in my smoke detector, lit up a blunt of the real stuff and held it in front of a fan pointed at the crack under my door.”

That time, Beasley’s plan worked like a charm.

“It’s a disturbing trend,” said Vice President for Student Affairs and Dean of Students Aaron Fetrow. “Students want to experience our judicial process so badly, they’re willing to risk their own well-being for a chance at getting charged.

“One of the most common student infractions has always been host responsibility. Now, students are taking it to a whole new level, inviting convicted felons to campus in the hope that they’ll do something to get their hosts written up.”

In coming weeks, school administrators are expected to meet in an effort to find a solution to the problem. Among the proposed solutions are the use of corporal punishment and the establishment of an on-campus detention center.

“This is not how we want students to see the judicial process at Guilford,” said Associate Dean for Campus Life Tammy Alt. “You can call it a hellhole, just don’t call it pleasant.”

DISCLAIMER: This is part of the April Fool’s edition.