*Disclaimer: This article is from an April Fool’s issue*

The Rhinoceros Times called it the “Second Cold War.” Passersby feared the worst when they saw a raised fist tagged on a banner made of white bed sheets. No one at Guilford was ready for such horridness: a peaceful socialist protest.

Last weekend, members of American Socialist Syndicate attempted to march through campus to protest a supposed “conservative takeover” of the college. This “takeover” occurred within the last year.

Party member Paul Mattricksaid rumors of conservatism within different departments and college politics enraged ASS.

“When ASS heard about the Ayn Rand Grant, that tore a whole new one open,” said Mattrick. “This insanity needs to stop now.”

ASS’s website said that the day’s events would include a march through campus and end with a public forum to discuss implementing liberalism as a core Quaker value.

About 10 members took part in the event, carrying banners saying “I Used To Be A Conservative, But Then I Grew Up” and “Conservatism? What Is This, Amateur Hour?”

Members wore red t-shirts, some singing old socialist folk songs, while others passed out pamphlets on communist ideology.

“This pamphlet is just like some of the articles in The Guilfordian,” said junior Alexis Hauteur. “It challenged my beliefs, so I threw it in the trash. But I did read the bold print at the top.”

The students’ reactions on campus were mixed. Some students joined in on the march before heading off to class or the cafeteria. One member reported that two students had signed up to join the syndicate.

However, some students had a tepid response to the protesting.

“These people want to encourage social parasitism,” said first-year Dick Sangorum, who identified as a Republican. “If we allow them to spread their agenda — like Obama’s advocating in Washington — we’ll be living under a fascist-communist regime in no time.”

“I don’t want to buy my sweater vests from the government,” Sangorum added.

Some students drove past the protesters in pickup trucks, roaring their engines and yelling obscenities.

“I saw one of them red shirts and told ‘em, ‘Listen here, buddy. Think you can just come and complain about right-winged academia? Then you’ll try and take away my guns and freedom,’” said senior Hesan Asholle.

“I came to Guilford for a good old conservative education,” said Asholle. “I don’t need Obama-lovers tellin’ me how to think and feel. That’s some bull right there.”

The Guilfordian contacted President and Professor of Political Science Kent Chabotar, who spoke with local media while the march occurred.

“An angry ASS, pejorative names and Guilford College — it might seem strange to have those words in the same sentence,” said Chabotar. “And I’m still confused as to why a random socialist group is protesting the political leanings of a private institution. Aren’t there bigger issues to protest elsewhere?”

The march lasted about an hour.

Three party members and one unidentified drunken student who repeatedly yelled, “Let me tell you something about socialism,” were arrested. Although there was a brief verbal altercation between the remaining members and police officers, protesters eventually left campus without authorities using force.

Some students, however, felt Public Safety should have reacted quicker.

“The protesters were really terrifying — all 10 of them,” said sophomore Sasha Poltroon. “People with radical beliefs usually bring trouble wherever they go. I didn’t feel safe at all.”

Once the John William Pope Foundation, which provided the money for the BB&T grant, heard that the grant was a reason for ASS targeting the school, the foundation sent out a public apology.

“We apologize for the school’s traumatic experience,” said a representative for the JWPF. “Understand the money is going to provide students with a rich education — one that emphasizes the necessity for equality, community, compassion and diversity. That’s why the grant advocates capitalism.”