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The Guilfordian

The student news site of Guilford College

The Guilfordian

The student news site of Guilford College

The Guilfordian

Goofordian: Budget cuts render Guilford College an events venue

Disclaimer: This story is a part of our April Fool’s edition. The Goofordian. This story was created by Guilfordian Staff and is not based in fact.

We have all heard the rumors. Guilford is in trouble. Financial problems have plagued the school for years, and now it is time to pay the bagpiper.

The situation looked bleak, but the budget committee shocked the Guilford College community with a brave, ingenious solution: stop teaching classes.

“Just when all hope seemed lost, (Joe C. Utter) had a great idea,” said budget committee member Jeremiah Spendmore. “He pointed out the obvious. We don’t need to teach classes.”

That’s right. Starting April 13, Guilford College will no longer teach classes. Instead, Guilford will adopt the name Guilford Event Center and focus on the real moneymakers, special events.

“Why teach expensive classes when you can fill an auditorium and make off with the ticket fees?” said Utter. “It’s the way the Greensboro Coliseum makes their money. Why not us?”

The budget committee and the board saw the promise in Utter’s idea, and they have already begun to change things.

“I woke up last night and there was eviction notice on my door,” said Guilford second year Patrick Smith. “The note told me I had a week to move out, that I had to leave all my furniture and that the school had given me two tickets to a Blake Shelton concert.”

Smith isn’t alone. All on-campus students have only a matter of days to pack up their bags and get moving, but the committee feels it is the price the community has to pay.

“I do feel bad for the kids, but the dorm buildings are perfect for housing our attendees,” said board member Ida Ontcare. “Once ‘the Olds’ become ‘Ye Old Quaker Inn and Suites,’ we can rake in the cash on tickets and overnight stays.”

The possibilities seem as enchanting as the new neon sign designed for the Frank Science Building, or as it is now called, the Frank Auxiliary Stage. Even more captivating are the greater implications of the new financial plan.

“I think this event-based approach has a chance to ‘go viral,’ as the kids say,” said leading economist and member of the Credo consulting team the group hired to advise the board, Lucifer P. Moneybags. “Many of the colleges I advise have taken notice, and many are taking steps towards their own event based programs.”

Many economists like Moneybags see the event-only approach as an easy way to escape the stormy seas of the modern college marketplace.

“We’ve seen problems with colleges everywhere, even close to home,” said Moneybag’s partner John Stacks. “Sweet Briar College in Virginia’s recent closure caused a lot of panic. The disaster easily could have been prevented if the board pushed the school toward an event-based model.”

The name Sweet Briar floated through many conversations during recent board meetings. In early March, Sweet Briar College, a small women’s only school in Sweet Briar Virginia, abruptly announced its closure due to monetary issues.  The Board of Trustees agrees with Stacks and Moneybags, and they openly convey their fear of being ‘Sweet Briared.’

“If you look at what happened to (Sweet Briar), it’s really sad,” said Board Member Rose Sugar. “The entire campus used to feel so sweet, but now they’re stuck in a pretty thorny situation.”

Far from being ‘Sweet Briared,’ Guilford’s shifting model sends them into the forefront of college fundraising by moving past the ineffective class model.

Looking forward, the campus of Guilford Event Center will continue to evolve to fit its new needs. Concert, lecture, and debate fans can look forward to attending a multitude of unique occasions this fall. From Nickleback featuring Selena Gomez to the encore tour of reporter Edwin Black; there is plenty to get excited about.

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About the Contributor
Aubrey King, Features Editor

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