The student news site of Guilford College

The Guilfordian

The student news site of Guilford College

The Guilfordian

The student news site of Guilford College

The Guilfordian

Goofordian: Yachting and Underwater Basket Weaving clubs fight over landmark lagoon

Disclaimer: This story is a part of our April Fool’s edition, The Goofordian. This story was created by Guilfordian staff and is not based in fact.

The Underwater Basketweaving Club, soon to celebrate its two-year anniversary, was built to be a community of peaceful, marine hobbyists. To date, the group has created hundreds of waterproof baskets and donated over $5,000 to local charities.

The Yachting Club, on the other hand, has been around since the dawn of the college itself. They are now in control of over 200 yachts, 73 warships, 26 submarines and one sailboat. The Yachting Club is known for its annual charity banquet, during which they donate yachts to children in need.

That is, until recently.

“For the last few years, the weavers and the yachters have shared the lake,” said Underwater Basketweaving Head Weaver and senior Julia Nickels. “But everything changed when the Yachting Club attacked.”

On Feb. 14, Yachting Club Captain and junior Chris Leighton ordered their armada to strike the Weavers during their Valentine’s Day Weave-a-Thon.

When the club began, the Yachters permitted the Weavers usage of one-tenth of the lake. Two weeks prior to the attack, the Weavers requested to divide the lake evenly, a 50-50 split. The Yachters formally declined. Nevertheless, on the date of the Weave-a-Thon, the Weavers moved in.

“The Yachting Club is for Guilford’s elite,” said Leighton. “We are not going to be pushed aside by a bunch of scuba-diving algae huggers.”

With five ships sunk and nearly 200 baskets destroyed during the Battle of the Weave-a-Thon, this feud forced the College to close the lake, but that did not stop the war.

The Yachters bought off President Kent Chabotar and were permitted reentry. With this news, the Guilford Society of Friends backed the Weavers.

“A friend of the community is a friend to us,” said Director of the Friends Center Max Carter. “When we heard that the Weavers were kicked out of the lake, we could not sit idly by. We threatened that if the administration did not let them back in, Friends Center would declare war.

“They thought we were bluffing.”

On March 11, the Friends Center revealed the trebuchet they had developed in the woods and launched it at the Yachting armada.

“We lost a lot of good boats that day,” said Leighton. “The Friends’ assault was devastating, but we had a secret weapon.”

As the Weavers calculated their next move with their new Friends with benefits, the Yachters were christening “Cannondorf,” their largest and most powerful warship.

On March 20, while many students were away on break, the Yachters sailed in and launched missiles at the subaquatic Fort Weaver. Every basket was destroyed.

“We had been preparing for this,” said Associate Professor of Physics Don Smith. “We knew this day would come. When we built the telescope atop the Frank Science Learning Center, we outfitted it with rocket launchers.

“We had no ties to the Weavers, but the Yachters had been stealing funding from the physics department for years. Revenge was finally in reach.”

On March 22, Smith along with several physics students loaded the Cline Observatory and rained fire upon Cannondorf and the rest of the Yachters’ armada.

At last, the war was over.

“We will be meeting for a peaceful negotiation,” said Nickels. “Both clubs plan to abandon the lake, but in war, there are no winners. Out of the ruins, we will need to rebuild our communities.”

So, if you’re looking for a club that is working towards a new beginning, consider the Yachting and Underwater Basket Weaving clubs. Together, they will usher in a new era of peace, movie nights and board games.

In memoriam of the boats and baskets lost.

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