Staff Editorial: dissent over the swings

Disclaimer: This story is a part of our April Fool’s edition, The Goofordian. This story was created by Guilfordian staff and is not based in fact.

Normally, the Editorial Board comes to consensus on the topics for our staff editorials. However, there is one topic that is too divisive for us to agree upon: the swings by the lake. Here is a segment from the official meeting transcript.

Open on: The Guilfordian Publication Suite, at twilight. The sun is setting in the distance. A group of overzealous and overcommitted college students sit in a circle, resembling a sacrificial ritual. They are heatedly discussing something seemingly of the utmost importance.

Lily Lou: Swings are okay.

Nicole Zelniker: Short people like the swings. They’re the perfect height.

Beatriz Caldas: But we have to think about the students who are taller. It’s not fair to them.

Allison DeBusk: If Bernie was president, we would have enough swings for everyone and not just the one percent.

Michaela Beggins: I tried to swing on them once and knocked my friend right off. Like seriously, Guilford, get your s— together!

Clare Forrister: I think this conversation is going nowhere and is taking too long. But before we move on, I agree with all of you, and now I’d like to share the correct opinion: the swings rock and kicking the other person is the best part.

Ian Penny: I don’t think it matters too much in the grand scheme of things. Seat’s taken.

Karlen Lambert: I went down there expecting a nice relaxing swing, but they sounded like a f—ing geese massacre. WHERE CAN A SENIOR GET A PEACEFUL SWING AROUND HERE?! I’m fine.

Collin Gendron: They suck. Why did the people who made them think it was a good idea in the first place?

Nellie Vinograd: You all think you could have done better, but YOU WEREN’T THERE.

Elizabeth Houde: That’s fair. I think the swings don’t work for lots of reasons, and I don’t have time to name all of them. So … I think they’re fine actually.

Aubrey King: I saw the swings on a Snapchat story once. They seem pretty chill.

Jeff Jeske: The jewel is in the lotus.

Reese Setzer: Wait … we have swings?

Rejecting Guilford College’s core values, all 13 editors and one faculty adviser decided to yell about some swings.

Regarding the Staff Ed about the swings: who do you agree with?

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