Goofordian: Cannibalism: swallow your pride and eat your friends


Disclaimer: This story is a part of our April Fool’s edition, The Goofordian. This story was created by Guilfordian staff and is not based in fact.

Over the past few years, the popularity of veganism increased significantly — not just on campus but also across the country. Plant eaters have argued that this dietary decision is better for their own health, the animals and the environment.

But what is to be said for produce that gets shipped in from far-flung places? And how about those overly processed meat and cheese replacements? Both are surely contributing to a fair amount of carbon emissions and may not be so healthy after all.

Luckily, students at Guilford have another solution in mind. Cue cannibalism: the hot new diet for the globally conscious. It is guaranteed to control overpopulation, solve world hunger and rid you of your enemies.

“Our precious Earth is facing a slew of problems because there are way too many damn people,” said sophomore Forest Woods, co-founder of Guilford Anthropomorphic Consumption Coalition. “Eating them is the best solution I have come across.”

Some cannibals noted physical benefits of their nosh, proving that sustainability is not the only reason to adopt the diet.

“I felt a difference right away,” said senior football player Hulk Bronan. “My skin cleared up, my digestion improved and I can lift more weight.”

But while Bronan is thriving, others have experienced difficulty maintaining their human consumption.

“I felt weak and tired all the time,” said one student who wishes to remain anonymous. “I was always hungry. Social situations were uncomfortable and eating out was a challenge.”

She has since reverted back to a raw, vegan and gluten-free diet.

“The catch is that not all human meat is the same,” said nutritional science Ph.D. Dr. Lesley McDonald.

She is attempting to break the stigma that cannibals are unhealthy and barbaric by encouraging proper nutrition and relabeling the diet. She has dubbed it “humantarian” (not to be confused with humanitarian) and is hoping the title will soon catch on.

“I urge humantarians to stick to healthier cuts — stay away from junk-food junkies and couch potatoes,” said McDonald.

If the perks of cannibalism still don’t compel you, consider all the money you could save on groceries.

“Right now we use a hunting system, which is free except for weapon expenses,” said Carrie Gunn, co-founder and president of GACC. “Taxes will probably skyrocket once cannibalism is legalized, but right now my food bill is lower than it’s ever been.”

If you are interested in cannibalism, come to a GACC club meeting (before it’s too late). They take place every Saturday at 12 a.m. behind the graffiti wall. Oh, and don’t forget to bring your own weapon of choice and a fork.