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The Guilfordian

The student news site of Guilford College

The Guilfordian

The student news site of Guilford College

The Guilfordian

Goofordian: Greenleaf’s move into oak tree prompts war

Disclaimer: This story is part of our April Fool’s edition, The Goofordian. This story was created by Guilfordian staff and is not based in fact. 

The Greenleaf has had to overcome many obstacles, like renovations in Mary Hobbs and in Milner. Now, and quite possibly the worst of all, it’s a community of angry squirrels.

As of April 1, the employees of the Greenleaf decided it was time to move their temporary stand in Founders and find a new home. It was a difficult decision: they voted between a beech tree and an oak tree in the Guilford woods.

“The beech tree was beautiful and extremely sturdy,” said first-year Tina Tea. “However many of us believed the oak tree was closer to the campus and already had a swing attached to it.”

After an unanimous decision, the oak tree won.

Students began moving coffee mugs, coffee, tea and pastries at once. In no time, the grand opening was ready to go, although prices would jump too in order to pay for the space.

“A lot students will be annoyed that prices will be increasing,” said junior Lana Latte. “It’s just something that has to be done in order to keep the Greenleaf open.”

Students are not the only ones unhappy about the change. While prices skyrocket, the community of squirrels living in the oak tree has demonstrated their displeasure over the new tenants. For generations, squirrels have been living in oaks in the peaceful woods.

With the help of expert squirrel whisperer and Friends Center Director Max Carter, The Guilfordian was able to understand the squirrels.

“I have been living in this tree since I was a baby, and for these kids to come in and bring their coffee and noise is ridiculous,” said Lady Nut.

Many of the squirrels are petitioning against the shared home in oaks community, but there are some that support the Greenleaf.

“Sharing a home with the campus coffee shop isn’t bad at all,” said Keanu Trees. “I can’t wait to buy some coffee. Once I get money that is.”

As squirrels were debating about the new tenants, so are Guilford College students. Many that want the Greenleaf open are pro-shared oaks, while others are pro-squirrel only and wish for oaks to stay a community for squirrels.

“It’s unfair to force the squirrels to share their community,” said sophomore Joe Schmo. “They’ve been living in that tree their whole life. Nature comes first.”

Though some students are aiding squirrels in protests, the Greenleaf refuses to budge. They intend to set up and open within the next month. However, the community of squirrels keeps knocking down everything the Greenleaf puts up and dumping their coffee in the lake.

It is as if the Boston Tea Party is happening all over again.

“We’ve put so much work into trying to set the Greenleaf up again,” said senior Frankie Frapp. “It may be unfair to relocate to an oak tree inhabited by a community of squirrels, but it’s our school.”

The past couple of days have been tense and fraught with protests and arguments.

With the help of pro-squirrel-only students, squirrels were able to march in front of founders with ‘Greenleaf leave oaks’ posters. Public Safety officers had to step in, removing the squirrels from the front of the building.

“The squirrels have gone mad,” said Director of Public Safety Ron Stowe.

With all of the chaos going on, some of faculty believes that something must be done at once.

“I believe what we need is an agreement,” said Carter. “We need a way in which the squirrels can live peacefully and the students can get their coffee.”

After seeing the trouble it was causing, President Jane Fernandes decided it was time to do something. After setting up her cage fight with Kent Chabotar, Fernandes thought it would be a fantastic idea to have a Quaker duel for the tree.

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