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The Guilfordian

The student news site of Guilford College

The Guilfordian

The student news site of Guilford College

The Guilfordian

Goofordian: Early College students busted for mass organized dealing of methamphetamine

Disclaimer: This story is a part of our April Fool’s edition, The Goofordian. This story was created by Guilfordian staff and is not based in fact.

What weighs 90 pounds, has an A in calculus and sells crystal meth?

Apparently, the answer is your average Early College kid.

On March 4, the Greensboro Police Department confirmed that the Early College program was created as a front for a methamphetamine ring, a collaborative effort by students, teachers and parents.

As of now, no arrests have been made. When asked why not, the policeman on the case mumbled something about SAT scores.

The elaborate system of cooking, dealing and, in some cases, using crystal meth was discovered by junior Crystal Glass. She walked past the Early College buildings and saw students dressed in protective gear and using chemistry equipment.

“This is not the kind of extracurricular that’s going to get them all into Harvard,” said Glass.

Public Safety Officer John Crank stated that there is no need to panic yet. Every precaution is being taken to ensure the safety of the Guilford community.

“Just don’t buy anything from the bake sale,” said Crank. “Their ‘special brownies’ are on a whole new level.”

The staff is up in arms about this development.

“We’ve always had to deal with the traditional students tripping balls, but the Early College?” said Max Carter, director of the Friends Center. “They’re supposed to be the innocent ones.”

The administration has denied knowledge of the drug ring.

“I don’t know where you would have heard that,” said Early College Principal Bobby Hayes. “This isn’t ‘Breaking Bad.’”

When asked if she owned a hazmat suit or a gas mask, she ended the interview.

Early College parents came forward with their confessions immediately. However, the investigators could not tell if they were being serious or passive-aggressive.

According to one parent, who asked to remain anonymous, there is an organized system of distributors that coincides with carpooling.

“If you can’t fit three kids, a soccer bag and 25 pounds of meth in your car, you’re just not PTA material,” said the parent.

Some of the Early College students questioned were more cooperative than others. While most denied the claims, others made minimal effort to cover up their enterprise. Several revealed more than expected.

“I’m not saying I do meth, but how am I expected to take five AP classes, keep a stellar GPA and prepare for college without a little boost?” said Early College sophomore Anny Shard. “What’s the harm in a little extra credit chemistry project?”

Due to the lack of solid evidence, the details remain unclear, but some traditional students had seen the drug bust coming.

“Yeah, I mean, I heard them talking about ‘ice,’” said junior Criss White. “If they’re not cooking crystal, I’d like an explanation for that.”

When asked if they could have been referring to the snow days, he had no comment.

Other students were alarmed by this revelation.

“It’s just so shocking,” said sophomore Tina Speed. “They were really fooling us with those lunchboxes. Now I’m starting to wonder what they have in there.”

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