Horoscope for January: New Year’s resolutions

Guide to the zodiac signs.

Wikimedia Commons

Guide to the zodiac signs.

Aries — Calm down

Your life is a rage comic. You get mad when someone doesn’t hold the door open for you, and even more so when your least favorite classmate sits within your 10 foot radius. Try some breathing exercises. Trust me, you’ll look a lot better without the steam coming out of your ears.

Cancer — denounce motherhood

You’re the proud mom friend. The beloved hair-holder, purse-handler and Advil-carrier, you’ve managed to foster 16 children by the age of 21. When’s the last time you’ve had a mommy day? For 2020, try to put yourself first for once.

Taurus — sell feet pics

You’ve been trying to find a job that suits your needs for months. You want money for your luxurious lifestyle, but you can’t seem to wake up before noon. This year, dip your toe into work-from-home and sell some feet pictures. Go on, wiggle those money makers and buy that new blanket you’ve been wanting.

Leo — compliment your friends on something you’re good at, too

You’re the best. You’re special, radiant, and talented… just like everyone else. You and your pal both love making music or playing the same sport. Acknowledge that they’re talented, even if it’s something you think you’re good at, too. Remember: another person’s success is not at your expense.

Gemini — tell people how you actually feel about them

You’ve let 10 people believe that they’re your #1 best friend. This may not seem like a problem now, but when you’re choosing people to be in your wedding, someone’s going to feel betrayed. Let people know where they stand without being hot and cold. Cherish your true friends, and make it known that they’re important to you.

Virgo — get dirty

Allow more than a speck of bacteria on your hands. You’re an earth sign, and you’re meant to be outside. Let your room get messy. Ruin a white shirt. Sit in the grass without fear of green stains. Plant something. People say you’re “so down to earth,” right? So get down.

Libra — make up your goddamn mind

It’s hard being so popular, isn’t it? You have so many options and you want to hang out with everyone and do 10 internships and go everywhere for spring break. To avoid the ultimate sin (flaking), make a pros and cons list, take a walk, flip a coin, ask the Magic 8 Ball or get your palms read. Make a decision before you run out of time, and end up doing nothing!

Capricorn — go crazy, go stupid

You’ve exhausted every show on Netflix, so you’ve decided to turn back to “The Office” for your 8th watchthrough. When you’re not doing that, you’re planning every aspect of your life from now until the day you die painlessly at the age of 94. Where’d that childlike sense of adventure go? Get it back. Go on a spontaneous road trip, do something that scares you, check off something on the bucket list you made in 7th grade or maybe even text your ex. What could go wrong? Actually, don’t think about that.

Scorpio — we get it, you’re goth

Yes, black goes with everything, and you rock it so well. You strike fear into the elderly’s hearts and you love doing it. This year, try wearing a color, any color. You can do it! Even if it’s just yellow laces in your Doc Martens, your wardrobe will welcome the change.

Aquarius — please call your mom. She misses you

When’s the last time you’ve let your mom know you’re still alive? Give her a call; I promise you can still give her vague answers about how school is going and what you’re into these days. She knows she will never understand her quirky child, but please, throw her a bone. She misses you.

Sagittarius — when you’re wrong, you’re wrong

You live for the debate, and you prepare for your arguments well. You refuse to back down, which is commendable, really… except for when you’re wrong. Really listen when others are talking instead of just thinking about what you’re going to say next. Not only will you be able to better assess the validity of their claims, but you might even find something persuasive enough to change your mind.

Pisces — schedule your crying

There you are, crying in the caf. Oh, there you are again, crying in your friend’s bed. Is that… you in Rachel’s Rose Cottage, crying into your latte? It’s time to open your Google Calendar and set an hour a day for sad time. Maybe spend that time writing angsty poetry, or punching a pillow. It’s okay to be sad, the other signs love your sensitivity; just maybe dial it back a bit, for productivity’s sake.

Editor’s note: This story originally was published in Volume 106, Issue 9 of The Guilfordian on Jan. 24, 2020.