Goofordian: Sandworm tunnels into Guilford’s heart

Disclaimer: This story is a part of out April Fool’s edition, The Goofordian. This story was created by Guilfordian Staff and is not based in fact.

Guilford College warmly welcomes new student Sandy Silstablaaaast into our community.

Silstablaaaast has become big news, as he is our only off world student since the graduation of that lovable turian, Garrus Vakarian, in 2012.

“Sandy is curious by nature,” said Assistant Professor of English Mylène Dressler. “I think Guilford really fits his discovery-fueled character.”

Far from the planet Arrakis, Silstablaaaast has been taking time to adapt to our earthly ways. Because water is fatal to sandworms, Silstablaaaast avoids places such as the Guilford lake, and stays indoors during snow and rainfall.

“I saw Sandy shivering in the Dana Auditorium,” said first-year Sandra Sandalot. “I asked him what was wrong, and it turned out it was snowing outside. I called Public Safety, and we got a 450-meter tarp, tied each corner to a cart and drove Sandy home while he was safely sheltered.”

Because the sandworm diet is mostly sand, Guilford’s grill is getting some new menu items. Sand is now an option for wraps. There will also be fried sand balls, sandfredo sauce, sandshakes, sandwiches, sandburgers and fried okra.

On top of diet and the danger of water, Silstablaaaast has overcome other personal hurdles such as reading and writing.

“He wanted to spend more time studying on Arrakis but his family didn’t have books, so it was especially difficult for him to learn how to read,” said Assistant Director of Study Abroad Daniel Diaz.

Currently, Silstablaaaast is enrolling in four Guilford courses, including environmental studies, geology, Zumba and Jazz Appreciation.

“Sandy is stunning,” said fellow Zumba student and senior Shelly Beach. “He doesn’t have arms or legs, but he knows how to move.”

Silstablaaaast plans to get a mathematics degree and go to graduate school for mechanical engineering. He is getting the degree to help the spice flow. He currently uses the career development center to get help with writing resumes.

“The spice must flow,” said senior Patrick Withrow.

Not everyone has been welcoming to Silstablaaaast’s presence at Guilford, though.

“It’s a monster,” said junior Dicky McDickerson. “Diversity is going to destroy us. This is truly the end of peace. I see Sandy, and all I can think of is the abyss that is our future. We are lost, like dust in the cruel swaying wind.”

Many students disagree with McDickerson though, such as junior Ryan Siebens.

“He plays a mean game of Bridge,” said Siebens, his eyes glittering with respect.

Silstablaaaast would like to thank the Freman on Arrakis for making this miracle of an opportunity possible.

“GWRAUUUUUUUUUUG,” said Silstablaaaast. “BLAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUG.”

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