GOOFORDIAN: Approval of steroids ignites Guilford athletics
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Disclaimer: This story is a part of our April Fool’s edition, The Goofordian. This story was created by Guilfordian staff and is not based in fact.
Say goodbye to average scores, home game losses and empty spaces in the trophy cabinets.
The general apathy towards Guilford sports is now a thing of the past. Get ready to soak in the glory because Guilford is now a steroid-friendly school.
Over spring break, the Guilford administration and the athletics department came to a decision that performance-enhancing drugs, such as steroids, are now legal at Guilford.
“This is monumental,” said Athletic Director Tom Palombo. “Our teams will be unstoppable after this.”
The athletic department is so thrilled with this decision that a regimen of performance enhancing drugs is being put in place immediately.
“We’ll see who will dare to laugh at our football team now,” said head football coach Chris Rusiewicz.
Several players are also very excited by the opportunities that steroids are going to give them.
“I’m one of the top lacrosse players at Guilford,” said women’s lacrosse player Elesia Shore, “Now I could be the top lacrosse player in all of North Carolina!”
While the coaches are excited by the opportunities that have emerged from this new rule (or lack there of), there are some who feel opposed to this new ruling. However, it is not for reasons that most would think of.
“Our teams have to look good,” said athletic trainer Jared Siglin. “Steroids cause a lot of acne and can cause our female players to bulk up too much. I mean, we need other people to tell which team is play: men’s or women’s.”
To counter this, the department is also writing new policies to include prescription acne products and hormonal treatments as part of the new steroids regiment is being put to vote. Results of this vote should be determined by the middle of May.
The issue of health problems caused by performance-enhancing drugs has taken a back seat in the minds of the athletics department. Overall, victory is more important than any medical emergencies.
“We have a good health center here anyway,” remarked Siglin.
As for student reactions, there is a spectrum of opinions about this new athletics policy. Many students are in approval.
“Athletes are ultimately entertainers,” said sophomore Patrick Withrow. “If they’re given the ability to improve their ability to entertain, then so be it. It’s no different than plastic surgery for models.”
There are, however, several negative reactions from students.
“This may give Guilford a bad name,” said senior Tim Leisman. “Other teams from other schools may try to sabotage us or even vandalize our buildings or trees.”
The issue of steroids was debated before break in a formal debate amongst students with the opinion leaning towards continuing the ban towards performance-enhancing drugs. However, this opinion was ignored just like the requests for more comfortable sofas in Founders.
Steroids at Guilford appear to be here to stay. The athletic department is pleased with the decision and anticipates their first game with steroid-enhanced players.
The first game with steroids in use will be next Saturday with a home game of men’s lacrosse. Students are encouraged to come out and enjoy certain victory.
DISCLAIMER: This is part of the April Fool’s edition.