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The Guilfordian

The student news site of Guilford College

The Guilfordian

The student news site of Guilford College

The Guilfordian

Goofordian: Djibouti muscles way to spotlight

Disclaimer: This story is a part of our April Fool’s edition, The Goofordian. This story was created by Guilfordian staff and is not based in fact.

New threat to America is … Djibouti?

Every so often, a nation and its people rise above the rest to claim the status of gods, dictating all major events in the relevant world. The U.S. has comfortably held this title on its own for the past 30 years.

Every so often, a nation and its people wrestle that throne away from these gods, cementing their own place as the kings of the world.

Enter Djibouti.

“(Djibouti) is starting to look really scary on paper,” said Assistant Professor of Economics Natalya Shelkova. “It is one of the most economically advanced countries in the world at the moment and is only going to get bigger.”

Djibouti has seen a sudden surge in the international markets due to the relocation of many American and Chinese factories to Djibouti.

Kraft Foods Group is one of many such companies to relocate.

“When people see the ‘made in Djibouti’ label, they turn their heads,” said Kraft CEO Tony Vernon in an interview with The Guilfordian. “Our products stand out to consumers, and that gives them an edge over other products made in the U.S. or China.”

Junior Diji Tobu recalls noticing the change.

“I used to drink Juicy Juice exclusively, but I saw a pack of Kraft’s Kool-Aid and thought it was the most unusual thing for something to be made in Djibouti,” Tobu said.

“I ended up buying the Kool-Aid, and now I only get Kool-Aid,” he added. “It feels really awesome to be drinking juice from such a funny word.”

Djiboutian President Ismail Omar Guelleh looks to expand militarily into the neighboring countries of Ethiopia, Eritrea and Somalia in order to accommodate the increasing demand for Djiboutian land.

“We expect about 300 to 400 troops to take care of Ethiopia and another 300 to 400 to sweep through Eritrea,” said Guelleh in an interview with The Guilfordian. “Somalia is the only country we expect any trouble with, but 744 troops ought to take care of them.”

When asked how he would deal with the United Nations’ inevitable response to the aggression, the president seemed fairly confident that Djibouti would come out on top.

“Just don’t tell them,” said Guelleh.

Djibouti has sights set on taking down other world powers.

“I have it on very good authority that we are about to launch a top secret massive attack on the U.S.,” said senior and Djibouti native Tijo Budi. “You Americans will never see it coming.

“We won’t stop there either,” said Budi. “I have it on very good authority that we are planning to invade China, Western Europe, Russia and Japan as well.”

As the supremacy of Western powers come to an end, the Horn of Africa looks to usher in a new era — an era wherein Djibouti reigns supreme.

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