The student news site of Guilford College

The Guilfordian

The student news site of Guilford College

The Guilfordian

The student news site of Guilford College

The Guilfordian

Have wand, will balance: Hogwarts to send its Minister of Balance and Equilibrium

*Disclaimer: This article is from an April Fool’s issue*

Suddenly there’s hope for the fog that used to be your mind, with help springing from the tips of familiar wands.

In a joint effort between the Study Abroad program and the Center for Principled Problem Solving, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry will send its Minister of Balance and Equilibrium to Guilford for the upcoming fall semester in an attempt to manage a number of adverse forces affecting students here.

The Minister hopes to transform bleary-eyed, babbling, deadline-missing, hand-wringing, energy drink–guzzling zombies into the high functioning, rational beings they were at the beginning of the semester.

It’s about time someone addressed that “teetering on the verge of hysterics” condition wafting through the Quad at any given time.

Students struggling to manage extreme workloads of certain classes, plus their other classes and sleeping, are particularly prone to exhibit signs of pre-hysteria.

When the physical body goes into stress mode, the brain shuts down. Feeling overwhelmed is a one-way ticket to Stressville. And chronic stress is just not good for anybody.

Inability to devote the time needed to do well in all classes due to the relentless demands of one class may lead to worry, sleep deprivation, exhaustion, a weakened immune system and a laundry list of mental disorders.

Is that what a liberal arts degree comes down to, testing the limits of the human psyche? We graduated, but we’re totally dysfunctional basket cases. Yay!

The Minister hopes to expand some time, suspend some time and otherwise manipulate the space-time continuum to alleviate the above kind of snarky bitching as well.

Some CCE students juggling jobs, family and an insane workload might qualify for a virtual cloning session or wish to participate in a dolphinus dormite incantation.

Benefits of the dolphinus dormite spell include allowing half of the brain to sleep while the other half continues to write papers and study into the wee hours.

The Minister proposes to infuse the atmosphere with an overall sense of well-being to promote balance and equilibrium. Everything in moderation — what a concept.

While the weather stays warm, the Minister will present exercises in alternate time manipulation techniques by the lake. Rumor has it, flying and quidditch will be offered to selected students on a broom-to-broom basis as schedules even out and time can be taken to relax a little.

“We’re honored and excited to host the Balance and Equilibrium program,” said CPPS Project and Communication Manager Kim Yarbray. “I hope all facets of Guilford will appreciate the magnitude of this opportunity.”

A word of caution from the Minister: “We expect the most out of students participating in the Balance and Equilibrium program. We’re not here to rescue students or give them a free ride. We are trying to affect a change for the better in the atmosphere in general at Guilford relating to certain manageable issues.”

Students will be strongly encouraged not to pester the wizards with mundane magic and cheap tricks at the expense of other students or just for a good giggle.

Asked if the Minister would be working with the Academic Board to possibly develop some guidelines for drawing the line between a healthy learning environment and Navy Seal training, Ministry spokesperson Grey Matters told the Guilfordian via owl mail, “If it were that easy, you wouldn’t need our assistance.“

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