*Disclaimer: This article is from an April Fool’s issue*

To protect the identities of the guilty in this article, all minors’ names have been changed.

Although Early College students are renowned for their antagonistic intelligence, we have yet to hear of their social life, whether in the humidity of Founders lobby, the Grill or the tennis courts. So we investigated and found an unseen world of blatant juvenile delinquency.

“No one can laugh that much during ping pong and not be drunk,” said senior Bennett Christian. “They lie all over each other, giggling, saying the strangest things. Those kids are definitely cross-buzzing.”
For most of the afternoon, Early College students crowd the Founders Lobby, dominate its ping pong table, pool table and piano, all the while “taste-testing” their Grill cups used for their hidden keg.

“See, it’s physics and purely educational,” said sophomore Squirt McCoul, age 14. “A tube known as the keg’s ‘spear’ allows for carbon dioxide to pressurize the beer out of the keg, and the valve controls its flow. We sample all sorts of experiments.”

To keep themselves unnoticed, these crafty students tape pages of their physics or chemistry books to the cold aluminum barrel of 14 gallons.

“Yeah, we’ve been doing it for years,” said senior Richard Cheney, age 17. “I’m surprised no one has noticed.

You would think an institution of higher learning, priding itself on critical thought, would be able to figure it out. I’m just being honest. I’m graduating and don’t care. I have a full ride to MIT. You want to hit this? I have to go kill this A&P exam.”

Most traditional students, however, are surprisingly unaware of the Early College sub-culture, or at least skeptical of such an image.

“No way — those kids always ruin the grading curve in my calculus class,” said senior Charles Carrier. “They can’t be that smart and at the same time have a wild social scene.”
And what about the Guilford woods? Apparentl the Early College students use it as another location to “let it all hang out.”

“Man, we have huge parties back in the woods,” said junior Cyrus Wyatt, age 16. “We don’t have big bonfires. We just light some tikki torches. We don’t bring a whole bunch of African drums back there like the traditional students. They’re just trying to get caught. In fact, I’m afraid to drive on the same road as you guys.”
After investigating this behavior, the layers of Early College racketeering gradually became more apparent.

“I swear I saw one smoking dope in the magnolia tree in front of Dana the other day,” said junior George Pettis.

To expound on Pettis’ observation, Cheney revealed how the Early College students have marked advantage in underground transactions, most of which — if not all — occur on the tennis courts.

“I control it all,” said Cheney. “I set prices. I set deals. And I set people down. If you don’t want to pay, you don’t have to play.”

According to Cheney, he has people in “high places” to seal “loose lips.”

“They sink ships and must be taken care of immediately,” said Cheney, as he put his hand on the skinny shoulder of Wyatt.
“Cheney? A 17-year-old drug king pin at Guilford College? It might seem strange to have those words in the same sentence,” said President and Professor of Political Science Kent Chabotar.