Disclaimer: This story is part of our April Fool’s edition, The Goofordian. This story was created by Guilfordian staff and is not based in fact. 

On April 5, Guilford College will be the central stage for an epic event no one ever thought would take place on a Quaker campus: a cage fight.

After a year on sabbatical, former Guilford president Kent Chabotar is back and ready to claim his throne once again. Chabotar believes he is everything the College needs to overcome the present situation.

“I actually thought Jane would be doing a great job,” said Chabotar. “But when I read in The Guilfordian about the budget crisis and all the issues involving the Greenleaf, I decided it was time to put our beloved school back on track.”

President Jane Fernandes refuted Chabotar’s claim.

“It’s easy to point fingers and accuse,” said Fernandes. “The budget situation isn’t my fault. When I came in, I was not made aware of how bad it really was.”

Fernandes was left in her first year as president with a $2 million budget deficit, while Chabotar enjoyed a very well-financed sabbatical and now returns to a new office constructed for himself at Duke Hall.

“Chabotar is trying to play the blame game and kick me out,” said Fernandes. “But guess what? I’m not going anywhere.”

Chief Salty, one of the most well known squirrels around campus, witnessed Chabotar’s confrontation with Fernandes about the cage fight. Max Carter, squirrel whisperer and Director of the Friends Center, helped The Guilfordian with the translation.

“He seemed very nervous and angry,” said Salty. “He told her something about not letting anyone take what was ‘rightfully his.’ I don’t know most of what the lady said though. She just kept using her hands to talk, especially her middle finger.”

News travels fast in a small place like Guilford, and soon every staff member and student had heard about the upcoming fight.

“This is the best thing that’s ever happened on campus.” said junior Ben Dover. “I can’t wait to see Kent destroying Jane. I mean, he’s a guy, so it’s pretty obvious who’s going to win.”

The Campus Activity Board started selling tickets two weeks ago and promised it would be even better than Serendipity. A disc-jockey, tons of fast food and T-shirts with “Team J” and “Team K” written on them will be part of the event as well.

Sexual Assault Awareness Support Advocacy members are also in a fight to bring awareness about sexism that is involved in the event.

“Jane Fernandes is seen as Kent’s subordinate, when she should be seen as his equal,” said senior and President of SAASA Joelle Rollo-Koster. “Women are just as strong as men are, so SAASA is in full support of our current president.”

The cheerleading team, however, is not clear about if they are going to take sides, but they do promise lots of jaw-drops during the cage fight, including their new addition.

“Yes, it was a surprise for me, too,” said Carter. “They saw me running around announcing the event and asked me if I would join them. I thought, ‘well, why not?’”

In a few days, Guilford College will have its first violent showcase, which is sure to become history. When asked about his feelings, Chabotar was curt.

“I’ve got nothing to fear,” he said. “I’m feeling ready, and I know there’s only one person coming out of that cage alive: me.”

Fernandes, however, seems more tranquil.

“Men always think they are better than women, especially when it comes to proving their masculinity,” said Fernandes. “Unfortunately, Kent is going to have to live without it when I kick his ass.”

The cage fight will take place near the lake at 8 p.m. right after the usual moment of silence. In the meantime, learn Guilford’s new favorite cheer.

“Fight! Fight! Inner light! Kill, Quakers, kill!”