Goofordian: Chabotar chosen for next president, replaces himself

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Disclaimer: This story is a part of our April Fool’s edition, The Goofordian. This story was created by Guilfordian staff and is not based in fact.

Angry students march on Guilford College’s usually peaceful green lawns.

It is official: the new president has been chosen.

Kent Chabotar will replace Kent Chabotar as Guilford’s new president.

“Surprise!” said Chabotar. “I wasn’t a candidate, but when you think about it, there really was no doubt about it. I was surprised it took the search committee this long.”

On March 24 in Dana Auditorium, students, faculty and staff gathered for a ceremony to honor Chabotar and celebrate his re-selection.

After the ceremony, members of the board of trustees and the presidential search committee were shocked to find a massive crowd of angry students protesting.

Some students held signs with “WTF?” painted in red.

Carole Bruce, trustee and chair of the presidential search committee, attempted to answer the question.

“Of all the candidates, Kent had the best qualifications for the job,” said Bruce. “His many years of presidential experience at a small, Quaker liberal arts college much like our own — well, actually, exactly like our own — made him a viable option. He knows just what to expect.”

But what happened to Chabotar’s retirement?

“After 12 years at Guilford, I felt like I needed a break — a long one,” said Chabotar. “I wanted more time to spend on my favorite pastimes, like skydiving and ballet.

“However, when the search committee chose me, I couldn’t say no. I feel it’s my duty to stay for as long as Guilford needs me to.”

After the search committee spent many months searching for the perfect president, the news of Chabotar’s re-selection was suspicious to many.

“It’s strange that they picked Kent again, don’t you think?” said junior Kelly Bryan. “I mean, why even bother with a presidential search? He was already sitting there in the office.”

Jerry Joplin, professor of Justice & Policy Studies, also felt disconcerted with the election’s results.

“It’s fair time for new blood at Guilford,” said Joplin. “Kent has been here for 12 years, but I guess we’ll have to put up with him for another decade or so.”

At the ceremony, Chabotar spoke about his plans for Guilford’s future.

“Well, things will pretty much be the same,” said Chabotar. “Though, I think the campus could really do with another fountain or two.”

Although a few have accepted Chabotar as president, many resiliently stand against the selection. Some even deny its legitimacy.

“This can’t be real,” said senior Jack Greene. “Is this even legal? He wasn’t even a candidate. Is this like an April Fools’ joke or something?”

Unfortunately for some, it is all too real.

Guilford has seen an escalation of student protests lately with the protest against administrative bloat on Feb. 22 outside of the board of trustees meeting.

Now with this shocking news, chaos, confusion and outrage ring across campus more than ever.

Some fear the protests may turn violent.

“It’s happened before on other college campuses,” said Max Carter, director of the Friends Center. “The last thing I would want is for peaceful demonstration to turn vicious and violent.”