GOOFORDIAN: Akins solves tire-popping case

Disclaimer: This story is a part of our April Fool’s edition, The Goofordian. This story was created by Guilfordian staff and is not based in fact.

“I walked outside, and there it sat: my bike with its tires slashed,” said Guilford College Assistant History Professor and avid bike rider Damon Akins. “It looked like something you would see on a Lifetime movie.”

Akins is not the only one experiencing the pain of a slashed tire. Many students have been coming forward all year reporting bike-tire slashings all around campus.

Junior Mike Hawk says after a long night of doing work in Bauman, he came out to find his bike with both tires sliced open.

Luckily, it did not take long for the criminals to be caught.

After a thorough investigation, Public Safety and the Greensboro Police Department uncovered the culprit.

Bryce Barrows, the head of the campus Bike Shop, confessed to coming up with the plan. Barrows said that with the bad economy, he had to figure out a way to generate business for the struggling shop.

Barrows also confessed that he had accomplices in these horrific crimes: James Shields, director of the Bonner Center for Community Learning, and Kent Chabotar, professor of political science and president of Guilford College.

When Shields was asked to comment on the investigation he had this to say, “You can call me crap hole, just don’t call me a criminal.”

The criminals are facing up 45 hours of community service. Akins believes this punishment isn’t severe enough for the crime.

“Sometimes in situations like this you have to take the law into your own hands,” said Akins.

Akins set out on a journey to take justice into his own hands. He knew he could not correct this injustice on his own, so Akins decided to ask Assistant Professor of History Phil Slaby, who is known for his infamous death stare and ruthless teaching practices.

“If looks could kill, Phil Slaby would be a mass murderer,” said Professor of German Dave Limburg.

After much deliberation, Slaby and Akins decided the best punishment for Chabotar and Shields would be to serve a semester in Slaby’s Europe in Revolution history class.

“It’s an ugly beast of a class, and I would not wish that punishment on my worst enemy,” said sophomore Carmelitha Whitlock-Almond.

When it came to Barrows, Slaby and Akins knew that the punishment had to be brutal for him to fully understand what he had done. They knew who they had to see, the man that decides everything on campus, Director of Friends Center and Campus Ministry Coordinator Max Carter.

“We walked into The Hut and there sat Carter, pipe in mouth and hot tea in hand,” said Slaby.

They explained the situation to Carter, and after three calm sips of the tea and two drags of the pipe, Carter came up with the perfect punishment for Barrows.

Barrows will spend the rest of his time at Guilford locked in the basement of the library, grading Slaby’s and Akins’ history papers.

DISCLAIMER: This is part of the April Fool’s edition.

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