Guilford’s latest “Green and Beyond” energy initiative is scheduled to begin Friday, April 1: On the lawn in front of Founders, dozens of volunteers will be strapping small vests to the squirrels on campus in hopes that their frantic twitching can finally be put to good use. 

“Our biggest concern is catching the squirrels, said Mark Dodders, a consultant for Green4Lyfe, the Asheville-based energy-saving firm hired by the college. “I’ve been a part of similar efforts on other campuses, and let me tell you, they are squirmy little critters.”

The process for harnessing squirrel energy is a bit involved, but the results are dramatic. 

“I heard that physics majors calculated that the energy released by Guilford squirrels running up and down just five oak and three maple trees on the quad could provide enough power to fuel Netflix streaming in Milner and Bryan combined,” said Professor of English Jim Hood. 

Volunteers will strap the squirrels with lightweight but durable canvas vests fitted on the back with a lithium battery. 

“Picture a little squirrel backpack,” said Dodders. “It isn’t too heavy, and it doesn’t interfere with their balance or agility.” The fast, jerky movements of the squirrels will propel a magneto — a magnet free floating around a coiled spool of copper wire — and charge the battery. 

“It’s actually the same technology used in those little flashlights that you shake and they light up,” said junior and environmental studies major Jessica McGill. “It is also used in car alternators, believe it or not.” 

According to Dodders, applying this technology to squirrels was a long time coming.

Environmental Sustainability Coordinator Jim Dees is pleased that Guilford is on the cutting edge of this development.

“It seems right that Guilford pioneer the way for some really innovative, energy saving strategies,” said Dees in an email interview. “By going out on a limb, we pave the way for other institutions to do the same.” 

Greensboro resident Rodger French sees the squirrel-harnessing endeavor as the perfect opportunity to overcome his life-long fear of squirrels. 

“When I was five, I saw a kid trying to pick up an injured squirrel that had fallen out of a tree,” said French. “Next thing I know, the squirrel latches onto his index finger. The kid starts flailing his arm trying to sling the squirrel off. Around the fourth swing, the squirrel comes off, and so does his finger.” 

Kim Yarbray, project and communication manager for the Center for Principled Problem Solving, confirmed that squirrel related attacks on humans are rare. The squirrels will be lured to Founders with tasty nuts and the musical stylings of indie duo CocoRosie. The music is known to put the squirrels into a trance-like state, making them docile and friendly. In this easy-to-handle state, volunteers will be able to slip the vests onto the squirrels.