The student news site of Guilford College

The Guilfordian

The student news site of Guilford College

The Guilfordian

The student news site of Guilford College

The Guilfordian

Earth’s demise due to a black hole

The Large Hadron Collider — located at the European Organization for Nuclear Research in Geneva, Switzerland — created a super-massive black hole on Monday, March 28. The earth has been sucked into the black hole; the end is not only here, it is now.

According to, a black hole is created when an object with large mass undergoes gravitational collapse, causing its mass to be compressed into a small amount of space. Once a black hole is created, nothing can escape from its border, including light.

Resulting in a deformation of space-time, its event horizon is an undetectable border, which marks the edge of the black hole according to

After forming, a black hole will continue to suck in anything that gets close to it, such as planets and stars. In this way the black hole continues to grow larger and larger.

Prior to the LHC being fired up again, on Feb. 20, 2010, death threats were issued to CERN scientists and theoretical physicists by people claiming that the risk of a black hole creation was too high to be ignored.

CERN should have listened.

While CERN discounted the possibility of the creation of a black hole, now that we’ve been devoured by one you may be wondering what happens now. I’ll put it to you simply using the words of R.E.M. — it’s the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine!

Should you be displeased with that answer, here are two popular theories regarding the fate of the Earth after this oh-so-tragic occurrence.

The first is that we won’t know we’re in a black hole until the effects start taking place because information can’t escape a black hole. Once we start to feel the effects, we’ll all be running around, screaming hysterically like chickens with our heads cut off. Aren’t you excited?

“Eventually, however, the person would start to feel the forces,” according to Eric Bland in a Sept. 10, 2008 article. “The huge differences in gravity in the black hole would slowly stretch a person out while simultaneously compressing his or her sides. Eventually, a person would stretch out like a strand of spaghetti.”

Should we survive, we will end up being immortal as time will essentially stop. I promise, this is not a good thing. We, as spaghetti strand things, are going to have an awful time adjusting to the new us. This occurrence will affect everything; we will live as spaghetti strand things in a world of unending blankness.

When asked how a spaghetti strand populace might alter the “Green and Beyond” initiative at Guilford College, Vice President for Enrollment Services Randy Doss replied:

“Spaghetti and Beyond will be our new theme.”

The second theory is singularity. Gravitational singularity is the region of the black hole where the curvature of space-time becomes infinite.

Once we fall into this gravitational singularity, which is unavoidable, we will be crushed to infinite density, while our mass adds to the black hole, according to

My only response to the singularity theory is this: OH GOD, OH GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!

Now then, on to the bad part: we’re either going to be immortal spaghetti strand things in a timeless void or we’re going to sacrifice our bodies in order to feed this life-stealing black hole we’re in. Either way, the remainder of our existence on earth will be spent in eternal oblivion. THANKS CERN!

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