The student news site of Guilford College

The Guilfordian

The student news site of Guilford College

The Guilfordian

The student news site of Guilford College

The Guilfordian

Incoming class of 2014 projected to be smaller, liberal and diverse

In a break from recent Guilford first-year demographics, the college has announced that next semester’s wave of youngsters will total under 500 students — the first time this feat has been achieved in years — the majority of which will not be student-athletes.In fact, although the college has undergone a subtle shift in image from a small liberal arts “hippie” activist school to a growingly apathetic sub-par D-III sports hub in the last four years under the direction of conservative Dean of Admissions Randy “No Comment” Doss, the incoming class of 2014 is projected to be politically liberal and more than half of these high schoolers have been seen wearing socks with sandals.

When asked about the demographics change Doss was prisingly cheerful and happy to share a few words with The Goofordian. “Over the last few years I’ve been under a lot of stress from those hags on the Board of Trustees,” he explained. “But this has gone on for too long. Clearly the school does not have the resources to support another historically large first-year class and I’m sick of seeing all of our money funneled into new tennis courts or a turf field or a [expletive deleted] concessions stand for the baseball team!”

The response from the current student body has been positive. “Back when I was a first-year this school was a great place. Unicorns roamed freely in the woods, a nice family of hobbits lived right across the lake, and Serendipity was fun!” said senior Tom Bombadil.

The unicorns were exterminated the following summer after being mistaken for bed bugs, the hobbits left shortly after with a strange old man grumbling about the Troll King David Watters, and we all know what happened to Serendipity … CAB and Public Safety conjured up an evil plot to squander every attempt for students to have a carefree good time (although it has been reported that this year one student managed to have fun while lost in the woods naked after the Man Man concert).

With recent rumors about the planned construction of another new gym and the unprecedented actions taken this year by Campus Life to “search and destroy” any and all on campus “stashes of that whacky tobaccy,” the predictions for next year’s first-year class have taken most by surprise.

“Man, one of my boys from home was plannin’ on comin’ to play football here ’cause I told him about this beer pong tournament we had one time but he didn’t get in and I even told him to talk to coach but they still won’t let him come here unless he pays full tuition like them hippie kids,” said a member of the football team who couldn’t remember his name in time for this article’s publication.

Although no one is saying anything official yet, there have been rumors that all dorms in Milner are getting gravity bongs installed where the sinks used to be. But the real question remains, what has inspired all of these changes?

“Bong is a big word,” Doss smiled as he leaned back in his plush armchair and exhaled a thick stream of smoke towards the ceiling. “I’m not at liberty to divulge any information yet.”

I couldn’t help but notice the plastic bag covering the fire detector as he passed me the joint.

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