With the nation’s economy going down the proverbial waterless urinal, Guilford College has had to make a few cutbacks to fit their stagnant operating budget. The most recent casualties are the Guilford College ghosts. With three ghosts lurking around campus constantly, many students and faculty have shared divided opinions on the necessity of their presence.

Dana Auditorium is home to two ghosts: Lucas and the “Little Girl.” Lucas, probably a Revolutionary War ghost, is benign and enjoys playing the piano, while the Little Girl is odious and likes to scratch Public Safety officials in the face.

A Public Safety officer who wished to remain anonymous said, “Oh.uh. Dana? Yeah, um, well. I won’t say that I’m scared exactly. I got merely a flesh wound. It’s just better to be safe than sorry. You should always travel in pairs.”

There is a also a ghost in the third floor of Mary Hobbs.

“I worry for the future of the Mary Hobbs ghost, as any residence hall without a preponderance of student athletes is surely to be hit hardest by these budget cuts,” said Assistant Professor of Religious Studies Eric Mortensen. “Who knows, maybe the Mary Hobbs ghost played field hockey long ago, in which case Guilford will probably not exorcise her.”

Mortensen also speculated on some faculty members’ state of being.

“One possibility is that Vance Ricks is a ghost. His tangible nature is difficult to discern.”

With questions about Vance Ricks in the air, some students now worry about his classes. “What would happen to the Honors Program if Vance Ricks is cut?” said junior Gill Ferde, a French major. “Plus, he’s friendlier than Casper and Spock combined!”

Associate Professor of English Heather Hayton is adamant about cutting the ghosts’ budget. In the most recent Committee meeting she said, “Ghosts? What ghosts? I see teachers. Ghosts do not teach these students; they do not help them make friends; they do not serve them food. They are taking up too much of our resources.”

The Budget Committee has not yet released the amount that the ghosts are paid to haunt the halls of Guilford College.

Mortensen says that he believes there is another reason for Hayton to dismiss the ghosts. “Everyone knows that Heather is a vampire lover, so she has no patience for ghosts. It leaves me feeling as though I have been existentially exsanguinated,” he commented.

President Kent Chabotar stressed the importance of looking out for the students’ best interests.

“I don’t like ghosts,” said Chabotar. “To be kind of honest, I’m scared of them. You don’t see what I see on this campus: fear. The students are afraid. We have to get rid of that fear.”

First-year Anoni Mouse, a music major, disagrees with Chabotar.

“I don’t want all the ghosts to leave,” said Mouse. “The Little Girl can leave because she’s crazy, but Lucas has taught me so much on the piano! It’s nice to know that he will pull up a chair to listen to me play, too.”

Mortensen argues for a different strategy in handling what he sees as a dangerous situation.

“I’m utterly opposed to cutting the ghosts’ budget. I cohabit space with them; it’s not safe. If you neglect ghosts, they breed, which is bad. The more we ignore them, the more they won’t go away.”

Despite the warnings from Mortensen, Hayton and Chabotar are convinced that cutting the ghosts budget will be the best thing for the school.