In a surprise move last week, Bryan Hall seceded from Guilford campus, claiming “irreparable differences” between it and Public Safety.The hall, which is now called “the Confederated Suites of Bryan,” has been a hotbed of political and party activity since last Wednesday’s declaration. It has successfully set up its own temporary government and yesterday began a strategic military campaign to take over Milner Hall.

Milner wasted no time in creating a defense force (the “Milner Active Defenders,” or MAD for short) and has responded to the attacks with a surprising amount of vigor, though details of the dorm’s military plans have not been released because of campus security concerns.

The Confederated Suites of Bryan are led by General Max Cawley, a formidable and hulking fellow with an impressive mustache. In an exclusive interview with the Guilfordian, General Cawley explained what the Confederated Suites are hoping to achieve through their military action.

“We have a very clear and open list of grievances and demands,” said Cawley. “Once they are met, we will be willing to negotiate.”

The list is a ten-page document, with the first two pages devoted to the Confederated Suites’ grievances, and the rest outlining what the estranged dorm is demanding from the school in return for peace. The demands include, but are not limited to, replacing the vending machines with flowing fountains of beer, firing all hall directors and hiring “bombing DJs” instead, and adding a Jacuzzi to every suite.

“What it comes down to,” said General Cawley, twisting his mustache, “is simply that we want to be recognized as what we are: by and large the best dorm on campus.”

Campus officials have reacted to the Confederated Suites’ demands with mixed emotions, though they refuse to recognize the estranged dorm as “the best.”

When informed of the secession, Director of Student Judicial Affairs Sandy Bowles yelped, “Halleluiah! Let them go!”

She also emphasized, however, that negotiations were in process with the leaders of the uprising, and mentioned some possible upsides of the conflict.

“This is a great place for the restorative justice processes our office uses to mediate conflicts on campus,” said Bowles. “We hope the students are learning a lot from this.”

The students learning the most from “this” may be the refugees of Bryan and Milner, who have set up encampments in Binford, the Old Apartments, and various parts of the woods.

The administration says that it is taking active steps to deal with the refugees.

“We are very aware of the refugee situation, and we are treating it with great severity,” said Dean of Students Aaron Fetrow. “We have staff members working day in and day out with the refugees, supplying them with blankets, Ramen, condoms and beer – if they’re over 21, that is.”

However, some students say that they have yet to see any sort of support from the administration. Erika Richardson, a first-year, is currently housing four Milner refugees in her Binford room and claims they’ve received no help from campus life.

“Blankets? Ramen? All I’ve seen so far is a whole lot of apathy,” scoffed Richardson. “And they even had the nerve to tell me I had to go register my guests with Campus Life!”

Though Campus Life has been dispatching humanitarian aid forces across campus, it is unable to get into the Confederated Suites, where conditions are worsening by the day. Recently, guerrilla groups have taken to hiding in the stairwells, where they launch random beer bong attacks on innocent civilians.

“It’s crazy here,” said sophomore and resident of the Confederated Suites Emma Tessler. “You can’t go anywhere without getting messed up. I got beer bonged twice yesterday afternoon alone. It was traumatizing.”

When asked about the impact on innocents such as Tessler, General Cawley simply shrugged and replied, “In every war, there’s going to be collateral damage. We support our cause at all costs, and that’s all I have to say about that.”

But there may be hope for the refugees and civilians in both camps. Reports have surfaced of resistance groups forming within the Confederated Suites who hope to defeat General Cawley and return the dorm to its former, semi-peaceful state.

One member of this resistance group, who preferred to remain anonymous by operating under the name “Kamon Elleher,” hinted at a plan that may come into action soon.

“We’re not going to say anything specific,” said Elleher. “It’s dangerous out there. But just know this: we won’t be the Confederated Suites of Max Cawley for long. Viva la revolucion!”

However, even these resistance groups are wary to rejoin campus.

“Will we come back to Guilford? Uh. maybe not,” said Elleher. “We have demands too, you know. The one thing we do promise is a change in leadership.”

Resistance to the estranged dorm’s actions has also sprung up among the faculty. A group of political science professors, including Visiting Assistant Professor of Political Science Robert Duncan, have banded together to attempt and negotiate with the Confederated Suites. Unfortunately, these efforts have not gone over so well.

“The goat entrails in the parking lot say that the locals want us the hell out of here,” said Duncan.

Despite these sparks of resistance, General Cawley is confident that his armies will keep control – and ultimately get what they’re asking for.

“We are prepared to crush every swine that stands in our way of liberation, freedom, and Jacuzzi,” said Cawley, who twisted his mustache one last time for emphasis.