So, you think you know about music?I bet you do. I bet you think you know all sorts of things because your parents gave you their oh-so-old school collection of authentic vintage 70s vinyl, which you now hang pretentiously on your wall and never actually listen to. Or, maybe you spend so much time tuned in to college radio that you practically bleed ambient indie out of your pores. I bet you even own a few pretty sweet tops from your friends’ short-lived noisy and bizarre bands, whose shirt designs have absolutely nothing to do with their band names, don’t you?

Well, I hate to break this to you, Mr. or Ms. Ex-member of the Flaming Squidmobiles (your friendly neighborhood garage band hip-hop disco rockabilly experiment), but you know about as much about music as Britney Spears and her longest-husband-to-date do about child safety.

But, worry not, my wannabe friend; today’s your lucky day. And, why, you ask? Because today is the day your Musical Savior has descended from her post in the beat-driven clouds to teach you a few things about this crazy thing called “music.”

Now, before we embark on our educational, enlightening, and entirely entertaining journey, we need to get a few things somewhat straight. First of all, you must henceforth refer to me by my proper title. I am not Nasi the college student or Nasi the journalist, but She Who Has Come to Save You From Musical Hell and Damnation (Otherwise Known As a Lifetime of Nickelback); Or, for short – The One.

Secondly, you must recognize that no matter how much The One, in all The One’s generosity and infinite wisdom, teaches you, your musical taste will never be as good as hers. Ever. She’s truly sorry, but that’s just the way it is, in the same way that The One must always speak in third person. Always.

For every small underground band you know who uses strange instruments, The One knows twelve who don’t even use instruments, but instead make music based off the rhythm of their internal organs. For every friend of yours in a band, The One has four friends in bands. Four. No less, no more. The One has spoken.

Now that that’s out of the way, The One shall proceed to illuminate your mind with a little something about Underground. Not to be confused with underground, a similar concept, but the capitalized U makes all the difference.

You see, a band’s not really Underground if they know they’re underground. In fact, as The One knows, they’re not Underground if they know they’re a band at all!

You think your favorite band is cool because they only have one CD, which they recorded themselves in their father’s studio without permission on the weekends? Yeah, right. Your band isn’t cool until you don’t even know you’re in it. It has to just happen, like the wind or the rain, or like the Banana and The One in this accompanying picture.

The One doesn’t even know who this Banana is! Hell, The One barely knows who she herself is, but the two still have a double album together – and a breakout single. On college radio, of course.

Don’t get it? Well then, young Beatle, you clearly still have much to learn.

And, let us tackle the topic of instruments. Guitars? Tambourines? Pick axes, chainsaws, and other assorted machinery? Come on, you might as well just invest in a synthesizer and name your band “The Sell Outs.” Real musicians know where to find music that you wouldn’t expect. Iced tea spoons. Long underwear. Moldavian tribal chants. That’s what makes real music, not bland acoustics.

The One could probably educate you folks forever, but the truth is, Her Musical Majesty is tired and, plus, she can only give so much of her wisdom away in one day. David Bowie wouldn’t divulge all his wisdom in one sitting, now would he? Exactly.

Nonetheless, The One hopes you could take something of value away from this lesson. If nothing else, you are at least humbled in your knowledge, a crucial first step in the learning process.

Do not worry, young master. You shall reach enlightenment someday. The One’s sort of endless wisdom takes time, dedication, and a whole lot of friends on MySpace. Once all three (especially the last) are achieved, then – and only then – can true musical nirvana be found.