The student news site of Guilford College

The Guilfordian

The student news site of Guilford College

The Guilfordian

The student news site of Guilford College

The Guilfordian

Facebook is all true!


Scientists announced shocking news in late February: Everything that is put on Facebook is now true, creating a Facebook reality. High school kids, college students and young professionals who are (a little too old to be) on Facebook are both shocked and elated.

The announcement has resulted in strange occurrences across the world.

People have now become defined by whatever Facebook groups they are in. Including but not limited to: having grown up in the 1890s; no longer having an independent personality but one defined by alcohol; being a whore; and even in some cases, being an adorable panda cub.

Sophomore Emma Pett received a strange phone call after the Facebook reality revelation.

“A friend of mine from Vermont, well, we made a Facebook group about her, ‘free Gail from jail,’ even though she had never been to jail. However, last month after scientists came out with their discovery about Facebook, I got a phone call from a prison,” said Pett. “It was Gail, and she was in jail.”

Sophomore Hilary Routon said that Facebook reality has made her a semi-deity amongst her friends.

“I started this group, Routon, which is for Routons and people who love Routons,” said Routon, “well, several of my friends joined, and since Facebook became reality, all my friends in the group now have erected shrines in my honor.”

“I have the biggest shrine of all,” said Routon’s friend, Danisha Jinnaha, proudly.

Facebook reality has affected the political scene as well, especially after Daniel Sheldrick, sophomore from the School of the Visual Arts in New York City, created the group, “Tyra Banks for President, ’08.”

Since the creation of his group, supermodel Tyra Banks, well known for her show “America’s Next Top Model,” has entered the race for the candidacy and now leads the polls for potential presidents.

When the creator of the Tyra-for-President group was asked how he felt about his group becoming reality, all he had to say was, “It’s fierce.”

Postmodernists argue that this Facebook reality is just another sign of our decaying society, and that this so-called reality is nothing more than simulacra.

“Our lives, our minds, have been repeatedly assaulted by what we see on Facebook, along with other media images, that some people can no longer discern the difference between what is real and what is not. Facebook is merely another example of this inability. Facebook is not reality, it just simulates reality,” said now-deceased French theorist Jean Baudrillard in late February.

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