A string of conference tournament upsets has left the NCAA tournament wide-open to all 64 teams; at this point your little sister’s guess is as good as Larry Bird’s as to who is going to win. Duke and UNC are in the tourney and March Madness is about to hit Tobacco Road like a Category 5 hurricane, so print out a bracket and get down with the sickness. With regular season records meaningless, who is going to cut down the net? The team with the most drive, the most soul.
Cheerleaders are only a distraction at this point; tired legs and dead arms need a symbol, a source of heart and pride to keep going. Where will they turn when the chips are down and the clock is running out?
That’s right – the mascot. Here’s how to pick.
Immediately eliminate anyone whose mascot isn’t badass. Don’t expect a strong showing from the Maryland Terrapins (any turtle that isn’t a mutant ninja loses by default), the Purdue Boilermakers, the Virginia Tech Hokies (a turkey), the Creighton Bluejays, or the Wisconsin Badgers. The Ohio State Buckeyes deserve to lose in the first round and should be forever shunned from the Big Dance for picking an acorn for their mascot.
Secondly, anyone with an overused animal for a symbol has no business winning the tournament, since having a clich for a mascot is even lamer than playing for the Hawaii Rainbows. The Wildcats, Bulldogs, Rams, Eagles, Cardinals, and Tigers are all out; there are about three teams of each in the tournament.
The Blue Devil mascot works, but Duke has been playing like a punk this season (breaking noses, losing to NC State in the first round of the ACC) and doesn’t deserve to be in the tourney, though the Wolfpack do based off Sidney Lowe’s blazer/tie scheme.
Having a good college name might be essential too; what’s better than winning the NCAA for Oral Roberts University? Not being from a school named Oral Roberts. The Xavier Musketeers or the Virginia Cavaliers have the right sort of flair, but the Vanderbilt Commodores are just a little too aristocratic to be likable. The Wright State Rowdy Raiders, Carolina Tar Heels, Nevada-Las Vegas Rebels, Notre Dame Fighting Irish, or Texas Longhorns have the appropriate levels of charisma and panache, but lack finesse.
Maybe it’s because Frank Miller’s “300” just came out, but the team that seems strongest is the Michigan State Spartans. Heavily armed and ready to take on everybody else’s mascots, all at once, the Spartans won in 2000. Look for an epic Spartan vs. Trojan (USC) Sweet 16.
Follow this system, and you’re sure to have an edge on anyone else without a Tarot deck this season, because otherwise any winning bracket is just a lucky guess.