For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. And for every good thing in this world, there is an equally awful – and sometimes downright disgusting – thing that comes around because of it. Take the Internet, for example. What was once the information superhighway has transformed into a breeding ground for a smorgasbord of perverts, pedophiles and people with no sex life outside of a computer screen to fondle their weird fantasies.

Of course, it wasn’t bad enough that 40-year-old men spend countless hours “picking up chicks” along the roadside of the information highway – oh no. The cybersex revolution had to move on to its next, and hopefully final, stop: cellular phones.

Oh yes, we’ve all seen the ads. The myriad of scantily clad, overly made-up women staring seductively into the camera late at night, claiming that by sending a text message to a certain number, you’re guaranteed a hook up as ‘attractive’ as them. Men surrounded by doting women in itsy-bitsy bikinis gape at you through the television, boasting about how much their sex life has rocketed now that they’ve stooped to the lowest level they possibly could by sending text messages to other lonesome singles.

OK, maybe I’m being too harsh. Maybe, by some bizarre twist of fate, two disgustingly desperate singles found one another through the airwaves and actually started something. Maybe, just maybe, some sad, forlorn young woman found her virtual Prince Charming by texting him her digits late at night. And maybe, just maybe, we’ve been wrong all along, and the world really is flat.

Come on, people. We all know that there’s no hope of finding anyone even somewhat worth your time by sending “SEXY” to the number 22485. You may as well just go to the sleaziest bar you can find and scream “I’m desperate!” at the top of your lungs. In fact, that may even be a better idea than the alternative. Who in their right minds – or even out of their minds – would consider hooking up with people via their mobile device? Who, I ask you?

Well, apparently someone is, or there wouldn’t be so many god-awful text message dating services popping up.

I have an idea: let’s take every poor fool who even considers sending a text to one of those services, and place them in a seminar on social skills. There, they can learn to have normal interactions with human beings, and maybe even partake in some – gasp! – face-to-face interactions.

And if that’s too much to ask, if coming out into daylight from the dim interiors of their house, apartment, mother’s basement, or other such cave dwelling is too difficult a task to undertake, could these sad, sad individuals at least upgrade to the next step on the social awkwardness ladder and make a profile on hotornot.com?