5. Singing Teddy Bear: Nothing says love like a piece of crap whose novelty expires Feb. 15.

4. Perfume: Perfume makes a great gift for any girl. The rule of thumb is: the more expensive the brand, the more you love her.

For girls: The male equivalent to perfume is cologne. But don’t buy your boyfriend cologne for Valentine’s Day – that’s weird. If you can pull it off as ironic, buy him porn. If you can’t, buy him nothing. You can probably do better, anyway.

3. Chocolate: If you want to save a little cash this year, buy your Valentine’s Day chocolate at one of the gas stations on Friendly Avenue. Heart-shaped boxes start at $4.95. Alternative: Buy a bunch of Hershey’s bars, melt them, and sculpt your own.

TIP: Remember to personalize this gift with a nice handwritten note like “Sweets for the Sweet” or “I’ve Been Watching You.”

2. The Notebook: This is good gift for a girlfriend you feel ambivalent about. Don’t want to break up, but pretty sure she’s not the one? Buy her The Notebook on DVD, for $14.99 at Best Buy.

For girls: Buying your boyfriend The Notebook is a good way to test his feelings for you. Insist on watching it as soon as he unwraps it. If he excitedly agrees, he is lying because he is insecure and/or desperate not to be dumped. Dump him

1. Roses: A dozen long stem roses from 1-800-flowers.com costs $39.99. While this gift is perfect – it is classy, classic, and will almost assuredly get you laid – realize at the same time that buying roses for Valentine’s Day makes you a yuppie scumbag who, after college, will probably live in the suburbs and get some lame job where you have to wear khakis.