I’ll admit it. I have a MySpace account. I check it every day, and I get really excited when people leave comments on my page. However pitiful this may be, though, I am still worthy of a little respect. I don’t buy into chain messages. Whether posted as a MySpace bulletin, written on a Facebook wall, or sent as an e-mail message, chain messages are a sign of stupidity and a waste of time. They range widely in content but vary little in absurdity.

Let’s examine a few of the different types.

1. The general threat letter. We’ve all seen them. “Send this to everyone in your address book or something horrible will happen to your family,” they claim. “Repost this in 5 minutes or else your house will explode.”

Get over it. Your family will be fine. Your house will not explode. Realize that not everyone is gullible enough to pass these letters on. And, have you ever heard, “If only he had passed on the chain letter,” on the news after a tragedy? You never will.

2. The “I am this girl/guy” letter. These list thoughts like, “A sweet guy will hold your hand in the rain,” and urge you to pass the message on if you would do those things for someone. This is to show everyone you know how lovable you are and entice one of them into dating you.

Passing these messages on will not get you dates. People will think you’re a whole lot sweeter if you don’t fill their mailboxes with crap.

3. The “Pass this on and something funny will pop up” message. Ok, you have an excuse for trying it once. Nothing happened, did it? It won’t.

These messages often come with testimonies at the end. “Oh my god, this is the funniest thing I’ve ever seen! LOLOLOLOLOLOL!” they proclaim.

Think about it. The hilarious pop-up isn’t supposed to pop up until after you’ve sent the letter. Even if something did pop up for these people, they would have already passed the message on. How could they have put a testimony on it?

There are several more types of chain messages. None of the “make a wish” letters, the “send this on and your sex life will be great” promises or numerous others are any more redeeming than the ones I have discussed.

Don’t send or post any more chain messages. If you do, you will have a miserable, lonely life. Not because this article is cursed, but because you are obviously stupid.