Ok, with Valentine’s Day approaching you probably have plans to drink in celebration of your love for someone special, or, if you’re single, in celebration of your singleness, or … well, who are we kidding? You don’t need a holiday to drink; you just need an esophagus and possibly bail money. I’m not here to attack the act of drinking or even getting completely plastered. That’s your business and as long as you’re not driving or performing circumcisions, more power to you. I’m here to talk about stupid public drunkenness.

First, let’s make sure we all understand what I mean by “stupid public drunkenness.”

I do not mean linking arms with fellow drinkers and singing “Heart of Glass” in quasi-unison, making up the lyrics as you go along. I do not mean losing miserably in a game of strip poker behind closed doors. I don’t even mean calling your parents at 3 a.m. and telling them in slurred speech how much you love college.

Your business, your problem.

Oh, and pretty much anything that happens at any off-campus frat parties isn’t expected to even resemble respectable human behavior, so knock yourself out (but don’t be surprised when it shows up on the Internet).

By “stupid public drunkenness,” I mean getting blitzed and then stumbling into non-drunken environments and causing a scene. Showing up at a quiet event and proclaiming how smashed you are is stupid public drunkenness. Running your drunk-ass mouth just outside some sober person’s window or door is stupid public drunkenness. Thinking you can take on security is really stupid public drunkenness.

Most of all, thinking your intoxicated state is a phenomenal occurrence in the history of Guilford College is not only stupid, but just plain pathetic.

If you want to get loaded, go for it. But keep three things in mind; write them down on your official alcohol receptacle if you have to (but not your Guilford Dining mug of course, since we never drink out of those):

Number one – You’re annoying. When everyone else in the room is trying to enjoy the movie and you’re babbling about just how many cups of jungle juice you’ve had, you’re a nuisance. Really, no one cares. You’re just embarrassing yourself and being a pain in everyone’s ass in the process.

Number two – if it seems like a bad idea, even for a second, let it go. Just think for a second: Alcohol suppresses our inhibitions; if drunk-you is even the slightest bit reluctant, then it’s not a good idea. No ‘buts’ on this one. It’s a bad idea. Move on.

Number three – No one’s impressed. I don’t know what it is that makes drunken people so determined to tell the world that they’re wasted, as if their sweat-soaked hair, rancid breath, and overall dumbass behavior doesn’t make it obvious.

Do you equate consuming adult substances with being an adult? Do you think this makes you look like a fun person? Well, stop it. Having the means and ability to get drunk doesn’t prove anything except that the ABC store ought to have a more thorough screening process.

You’re in college. Occasionally being drunk is fine, occasionally being drunk in a group is fine (and better, as drinking alone is just kind of sad), but acting like you’re brain-damaged and have no self-control or internal monologue when everyone else in the vicinity is sober isn’t a very flattering portrayal.

They’re not laughing with you; they’re laughing at you.

Seriously, if Joe Namath, with his movie-star smile and irresistible charm couldn’t pull it off and score that kiss from Suzy Kolber, then what in the hell makes you think you can do any better?