Scorpio
The manslave you thought was Johnny Depp will really turn out to be … SATAN!!!Sagittarius
So you thought you’d stay at home and get drunk for Halloween. Maybe you should think twice about answering your doorbell. Scary mass murderers often disguise themselves as harmless hippies.

Capricorn
When a midget dressed as Gary Coleman on the Halloween episode of Diff’rent Strokes appears trick-or-treating at your door, do not let him in. He will only try to bite your ankles.

Aquarius
That costume would look a lot better if you put a mask on.

Pisces
While drunkenly trick-or-treating, beware of what is unseen. That inanimate doll could come to life and stab you with a fork. The girl you’re making out with could be a witch with VD. And that squirrel is really a goblin in disguise, reminiscent of a Gremlin from the movie – only a little bit more sinister and addicted to cigarette butts.

Aries
You’re pregnant (and the father is SATAN!!!).

Taurus
One Halloween night when I was a young boy, my friends Jimmy, Davie and myself thought it would be a spooky and fun jaunt to ride our bikes up to Old Man Michaelson’s mansion. We knew the place had been empty for about 50 years, empty of human form that is. We came to see Old Man Michaelson’s ghost. But when Jimmy and Davie mysteriously disappeared, I thought it would be a good idea to hop a train and skip town.

Gemini
We think that school girl uniform as a costume is overdone. Like your slutty self.

Cancer
In lieu of writing something in exceptionally poor taste, we decided to write something dripping with sexual innuendo. When I see you out trick-or-treating, is that a Snickers bar in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me? And that candied apple is glazed with something other than caramel; enjoy at your own perversion.

Leo
What is Santa rearranged? SATAN!!!

Virgo
You’ll win Best Costume at the costume contest, all the houses you stop at will give out King Size candy bars and you’ll fall off a cliff. . . . .Come on, it’s a HORRORSCOPE!!! Mwaahahaha!

Libra
Although checking out the cemetary across the street would seem like a fun-filled Halloween pick-me-up, we advise you to stay away and leave it undisturbed. Beware not the undead, but teenagers making out behind the gravestones.