Scorpio
Your manslave has transformed himself into a veritable Renaissance Man. He suddenly has the body of Brad Pitt, the cooking skills of Emerill, the schmooz factor of Hugh Hefner, and the cash flow of Bill Gates. Man, I wish I were you.Sagittarius
Create a mask that hides the face. The face that hides the pain. The pain that hides behind the TV. That hides in a tree.

Capricorn
This is a good week for you to expand your horizons and visit new places. We suggest you avoid the Caf for a few days, so that when you return it will feel all fresh and new again.

Aquarius
This is the dawning of the age of Aquarius! Get it? The song, it’s also your sign … Ha, Ha … We’re so funny.

Pisces
And that man was … Frank Stallone.

Aries
Two’s company, three’s a crowd, and it takes a village to tango. Ponder that before sleep each night.

Taurus
You know that guy or gal you’ve been dating that you thought would be the one? Well, eventually – ahem, this week – you’ll come crashing down to earth in the most dramatic fashion imaginable. Kinda like a sky diver whose parachute doesn’t open. So, don’t go sky diving either.

Gemini
You’re going to have such a good week, it’s going to make you crap your pants.

Cancer
Sometimes even spiritual gurus make jokes in exceptionally poor taste. That is why this horoscope is dull rather than dripping with sexual innuendo … always wipe from front to back.

Leo
Your life may feel like a “Where’s Waldo” puzzle this week. Everywhere you look you see those freakin’ red and white stripes but not that tall, skinny bastard with the glasses and that god-awful stocking cap. Get over it, Leo. Finding Waldo is impossible anyway. And for heaven’s sake get over that wretched hat.

Virgo
This week you will be voted most popular girl on campus.

Libra
Hurrah!!
You know those reporters that look all innocent-like, asking you these questions like they care about what you think and feel? They’re actually ninjas in disguise. Real SuperUltimate ninjas with the power of mind bullets and telekinetic ninja stars. Don’t look them in the eye.